I'm Sick

You know what I like about my body? It can't be fooled. I can trick myself into not being cold. I can push myself past pain. I can convince myself I don't have to use the restroom. I can force happiness if I feel the need. I can make it through a 13 hour black belt test only barely breaking a sweat. But my body knows the truth. The next day, I'm sick from the cold that wasn't there, or bruised from the pain I didn't feel. It's a healthy reminder to me that I'm not near as invincible as I've convinced myself I am. Not only does my body react from being cold for too long, it knows what to do. It tells me to slow down and sleep. It tells me what foods to eat and which muscles need relaxed. I think bodies are absolutely amazing.

I worked out today for the first time with the full kendo gear. It was hard! I've worked so much on those few basic moves and felt okay with them. And then I put on the gear and I could barely do anything. Lots of times, I was paired up with people that would forget that it was my first time, which I liked best. I like being expected to follow along. But the head gear blinds the sides, which I find extremely uncomfortable. I'm expected to fight without being able to see beside me?! And I'm clunky and akward and heavy in all that stuff. In karate, my fortes are my speed and my flexible. Now I'm slow and who cares if I can do the splits? I felt sort of like I was carrying my cello around. I was too big and didn't know where all of me was. Does that make sense? In karate (way of the open hand), I know exactly where I am. I know how far I need to be to throw a successful technique. I know how to react. In kendo, I think I'm one place, but all that gear means I'm really somewhere else. And in kendo-ists take turns hitting the gear with the shinai. Whenever someone went to swing one at me, I instinctively jumped out of the way or went to block it. Woops. Have to get over that.

One of my friends told me after school that I shouldn't go to kendo today. I asked why and she said because I'm miserably sick. But I have to go to kendo, I said. I can't miss just because I hurt a little. She asked me why. If I miss, Sensei will be really angry with me. Besides, missing isn't really even an option. I have to go. Who will teach if I miss? Who can I call in on such short time. Oh wait. Different Sensei. Different art. Different teacher. I guess I could miss. And then she asked me why I even went to school today. Duh. I didn't want to fall behind. I didn't want to miss assignments. I didn't want to be a problem for the people who would have to catch me up. I didn't want a little sickness to control me. Oh wait. What am I going to fall behind in, gym? English? My empty study periods? Okay, tomorrow if I'm this sick, I'm staying home.

I think a big reason is that I AM paranoid about control. If I'm sick, I absolutely go to school. If I'm running on zero sleep, I go to school and karate and even stay up late just to punctuate my point. That's not healthy. It should stop. I should take hints from my all-knowing body.