Kendo Blues

Today was a particularly rough day at kendo. Actually, most days are particularly rough. I can keep up just fine. I've been practicing everything they give me and working hard to understand as much as I can. I felt pretty good until my gear got here. With the gear on, I feel big and clunky. It's disorienting. I can't hear the instructions very well. When I can hear, I can't understand very well. The shinai stops being an extension of my arm and starts being a stick. It's hard to explain. I'm so big that it takes all my focus to figure out where I am and I have nothing left for getting the technique right. And it's like that feeling when you spar. When you spar in karate, you're supposed to be so focused and unthinking that things just come. A little like a kata. During regular class, I'm always thinking about where I am and where my opponent might be and what I'm doing right and wrong and how to improve. But when you spar, it's much easier just to not think. Only I've never been good at that. But in kendo, you're always supposed to not think. You're supposed to scream when you strike. It's so hard for me to completely lose myself every day for a few hours. Maybe once a few weeks for 20 minutes is okay, but still difficult. I'm not good at kendo. I'm pretty bad, actually. I'm frustrated that I do things wrong even when I know better. I'm frustrated that I know how to lock my body but that I'm not doing it. I'm frustrated that I can't understand when people try to help me. I hate just staring at them and shrugging. I feel so stupid when I do that. And they're so nice and patient. But I can't hear with the men gear. And today, I didn't wear contacts, so I couldn't see either. I kept missing the target and when they showed me on the shinai where I'm supposed to hit, I had trouble explaining that I had no idea what they were saying and I couldn't see either. Ugg. So I can't hear. I can't see. I can't talk. All I can smell is me. What does that leave? Touch? From now on, I'm wearing contacts every day. No more glasses.

It's only 10:30 PM and I'm soooo mecha tired. Goodnight.