the Leaving stage

I'm leaving in a little over five weeks. My emotions are much more mashed and scrambled than they were when I came here almost a year ago.

I'm finally here, really absolutely here. I belong here. My friends note that it feels like I've always gone to Toba and that it surprises them sometimes to remember that I'm a foreigner. They could have given me no greater compliment. English teachers don't call out to me in the halls anymore, nor do train officials gawk at me as I board trains, and even store clerks don't blush through their broken English to tell me their prices. I understand anything and it hardly ever surprises me anymore. I can watch TV with my family, or pass a math test, or follow my kendo Sensei's barked instructions, or pass my friends notes during home ec. Nobody equates my actions to my American-ness anymore; they equate it to my personality. I went home with a friend the other day. My friend had asked her mother if I could come over, but forgot to tell her I'm not Japanese, so she was really shocked when I was introduced. My friend forgot to tell her mother I'm not Japanese. It just slipped her mind. Teachers yell at me to fix my tie and warn me that tardiness is not acceptable. When the teacher tells us to remember there is no school Monday, nobody turns around to make sure I understand. I never want to leave here.

I can't wait to go home. I've learned what I came here to learn, got what I needed to get, and am ready to leave.

I love it here. I hate it here. I miss my family. I don't want to leave my host families! I can't wait to be normal again. Look, I'm normal here. I'll never fit in here. I've accomplished so much this year. I can't wait to go home. I dread going home. I won't fit in after this year. I'll be able to speak English again. I won't be able to speak Japanese anymore. I'll forget everything. I sorta forget English. I love English. I love Japanese. I've worked so hard this year to learn it. I've barely done anything this year. It was a waste. I got so much out of this year that I'll never be the same again. I can't believe it's been a whole year. Has it already been a year? Have I really been living in Japan for a year? I love Japan. I can't stand Japan. I hate how nobody thinks. I don't want to go back to America. I don't want to be in Japan anymore. I love Japanese food so much. I would kill for Taco Bell. I don't want to leave Japanese gardens. I would love to run through a grassy yard. I don't think I'll be able to talk to anyone about this year. I can't wait to tell everyone about this incredible year I've been having. Why did I pick such a late return date? I can't believe I'm actually going home so soon. I'm not really going home. Oh yes you are. Okay, I am. I can't go home. I'm homesick. Of course I'm not homesick, especially not this late into my exchange. I love it here so much. I can't wait to have my wardrobe again. I don't ever want to wear my school uniform school. Can you believe I'll never wear this uniform again? What'll I do without it? Kyoto is so busy and fun and beautiful. Kyoto is so hot and humid and ugly. I didn't make any friends here. I'll miss my friends so much next year. I barely learned any Japanese. I'm so uncomfortable at the idea of English. I can't wait to be able to read store signs. I worked so hard to learn Japanese characters. Everyone respects me for it. Nobody has any idea. I didn't really work hard at all. It was one great vacation of a year. I faced so many challenges this year. It was a waste of a year. It was an incredible year that I wholeheartedly recommend to anyone. I have college to look forward to. I have to go to college. I'll be normal in America. I'll be unnoticed in America. I'll be understood in America. I'll never be understood by anyone but exchange students. Why did I ever go on this exchange? This has been a really amazing, fun, awesome year. I'm so angry that I have to go home, after all the work I've done to adapt. I wish I could go home now. I'm not really sure where home is. It sure isn't here. It sure isn't there. It is there. It is here. What'll I do when I'm not an exchange student? I feel like I'm returning from prison, or that I'm Rip Van Wrinkle or something. Everything will be so familiar at home. Everything's probably changed. I've changed. I can't wait to see everyone. They've been so busy without me. I've been so busy without them. I'm really going home! I'm leaving Japan. I still have a whole five weeks! I only have five weeks, and I'm so busy. Japan is absolutely the best country in the world. I don't much like Japan. I wouldn't mind living here. I don't want to live here anymore. I'll be able to rest when I get home. I'll be so tired when I get home. I have so many expectations. I don't know what to expect. I'm so happy and excited and angry and sad and afraid and proud and ashamed and man, it's a little tiring to harbor all this! It'll be good to get this over with. I hope I never have to get this over with. I wish time would stop. I wish time would hurry up.

I'm sure I'll cry at the airport (probably both in Japan and America), but I'm not sure I'll know why.