Christmas!!!

Guess what?! Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! I can't believe it. It feels like it should be another four or five months at least. So anyone curious about how I'm going to celebrate my first Christmas abroad? Well, I'm going to kendo practice of course. For four to five hours. And then I'm coming home and studying while I wait for my parents to get home. And then I'll probably eat yakisoba or something and then I'll take a bath and go to bed. But I'll have to do something. At first, I considered taking a day off from kendo on account of it being a particularly important day in my culture, but then I couldn't really think of a reason why. My parents will both be at work and my host sister will be in New York (a little ironic), so I'd just be home alone probably dwelling on the fact that I'm spending Christmas in my little room all alone. I thought going to kendo was a better alternative. I'm actually not so upset. It would be different if there were signs of Christmas everywhere, like in the States, but there's rarely any Christmas music and nobody (but me) says "Merry Christmas" when they depart and there's just not much festivity. Here, Christmas is a holiday for lovers and for children, not so much for families and religion. So I'm celebrating by dressing in traditional Samurai clothes and learning how to kill opponents with a bamboo sword. Meanwhile, I'm preparing by downloading and listening to Christmas music, buying presents for my host family, wearing festive clothes, and trying to get the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies. I don't even know if I should call my family when they're opening presents. It'll be the day after Christmas for me. Or maybe Christmas night.

It's fun explaining what I do for Christmas to my friends. We all did a Secret Santa type thing (where everyone draws a name and secretly buys a present for the person they picked) because my friends thought it sounded like fun after I explained it to them. We spent about $15 on each other, and I was interestingly the only that didn't spend the majority of it on junk food. I think it's because the houses are so small that they have no room for extra clutter. It's a good thing I was only allowed two suitcases, because there's so little storage space for all my stuff.

On the other hand, everyone is preparing extensively for a big New Years. Year of the boar is coming up and it's all my friends are talking about. I discovered that we're holding a huge party at my host house and all the relatives and neighbors and close to 100 people will be gathered at my house to eat New Years food, play New Year's games, and help bring in the New Year. And then we have the week off for continued celebrations. I'm really excited. This is going to be a really spectacular New Years.

Oh, and I sparred Sakai Sensei today for the first time. It was rather successful, I felt. Okay, of course he creamed me, but I didn't just stand there stupidly. It was a little frustrating that I wasn't so mobile as I'm used to in karate. Sensei Cummings of White Eagle always tells us that we have four weapons - two feet and two hands. We are instructed to always be considering which weapon to use. Our feet and weight should be situated so that we can easily access at least two, if not three or four weapons. At any moment, you should have a wide variety of options. You can also easily see a person's fighting style right away. Do they keep their weight evenly distributed? Are they fast? Do they like kicks? Do they go around strikes, or intecept them? Do they prefer opening blocks or closing blocks? Do they aim for the head or the body or elsewhere? In kendo there are three legitimate striking points and a few variations on how you can strike. Because of that, you are much more limited in what you can do (especially if you're a beginner). There is one stance that I know and I've seen one person do it from the other side. I only know the stance on my right side. Because the shinai is so huge, it's very easy to see it coming. In karate, you should always have your hands up for a few reasons. The biggest is so that if someone goes to strike you, you'll be ready for it. A not so obvious reason is so that when you decide to strike someone, you'll be ready and the opponent won't know it until it's too late. In kendo, there's a position to put your hands. If you move from that position, you're leaving your stomach region open and are bound to get hit. You can't put one hand up and leave one hand down. You have one weapon, and that's the shinai. Your weapon can only be in one place at one time. You can't go for the head with a hand and then fake out and kick the solar plexis. When I see a strike coming for the head, I can lift up the shinai, but I often forget to lift both hands and get hit anyways. And I have a lot of trouble returning the hits. As soon as you block a technique, you should automatically return it, but in kendo, the weapon is so big that as soon as you block a hit, you're usually too close to do any real damage to the person. On top of that, I feel all akward and my shinai is jumbled up and I have to get out of striking distance to straighten myself again. Does this make any sense? An interesting thing that I like is that size isn't an advantage (of course, now that I'm not the smallest anymore...) in kendo. Everyone's distance is the same - the length of the shinai.
One more problem I'm having is turning my back. In karate, if you turn back you might as well be dead. Spin techniques are strongly discouraged until a student is fast and sure enough to do them, simply because to spin means to turn your back deliberately on the opponent. That's access to your kidneys and the back of your head and neck and your spine and you have no very little protection back there. In kendo, you're supposed to run past your opponent with many of the techniques. Running past is part of the technique. I've been doing this funny little half run, where as soon as I passed my opponent, I'd face them again and be running half backwards and half sideways. Sakai Sensei told me I look a little like a horse and besides that, my technique is all wrong when I do that. So I forced myself to expose my bare, unprotected back to a person aiming a weopon at me. Very nerve-wrecking and I forgot to do it whenever I wasn't thinking about it.

One of my kendo friends lent me a book that must belong to her little sister or something. It's really exciting that I can read it. It's like second grade level maybe. A chapter book! Woo! I can read a whole chapter book!

Yesterday, there was a bag of oranges in my bath. That was wierd. I think last night was the longest night of the year or something, and that's why.

Last night for dinner, I had spaghetti noodles and squid's ink sauce. It was delicious. After I finished, my lips were black.

I've officially finished my text book and have started the next one. That's pretty exciting. The next one also includes kanji, thankfully. I've really been working hard to learn kanji and reading it is one of the coolest things that happen.

I'm going out to karaoke making today or maybe tomorrow. Not sure which. It's sure to be fun.

My host parents take their two dogs out on a walk every evening. I think it's really sweet. They have that hour or so just for themselves and the dogs. When I get married, I think I'd like to do that too.

I have to give a speech to Rotary during our January meeting. I've already written in English. Unfortunately, I'm the only that can understand it as it is. Maybe they'll just take my word for it that it's really good and well-written? I don't know what'll be left of it after I translate it. *sigh*

The language learning isn't as fast as it was before. I now know enough that I can understand other people and make myself understood. I'm rarely ever grammatically correct and don't catch the little nuances of the language, but I understand. I miss nuances. I miss feeling like a had a strong control of my language. I stutter sometimes. I never did that before. I stop and think in the middle of sentences, even in English. I'm never sure if I'm right. I've become so accustomed to not understanding that I assume people are talking to me whenever I do understand. I laugh out of habit when everyone else laughs. When I understand, I assume it's in English and am often superised to find it's Japanese. Likewise, when people speak to me in English, I assume they're speaking in Japanese and don't understand. The idea of American food sickens me. I remember a lot of the things I found baffling in the beginning, but I don't remember why they were baffling or how to do it any other way. What's so weird about going grocery shopping every day? I remember being surprised. How often do we go shopping in the States? At least every other day, right? Every three days? I don't know. Something shocking. I feel like it should be once a week or once every two weeks, but that can't be right. And we had to eat rice at least once every two days, right? Once a week? Geez! Once a week! Try every day, every meal! I can't remember what it's like otherwise. And showers in the morning. And no school clubs every day. And our teachers actually gave us tests whenever they felt like it. I think. Students actually drove to school. Sometimes in their own cars. I think less than half of my school rode their bikes. Wait, I'm not sure any kids actually rode their bikes to school. And some of the shirts I brought show so much skin! I can hardly believe it! And do we really heat the whole house? And not just the floor or the seats or tiny spots? Do we really scream when we clap our hands? Often? Are boots with shorts really a taboo? Why? Did I used to sleep with more than two blankets? How many? Where did friends sleep when they came over? Not on futon mattresses. Where? And where do we keep our altar? Not in the tatami room. And my house can't really be double this house's size, like I remember thinking when I first got here. I've always been fairly tall of course we had to wear uniforms to school. I can't believe I actually opted to live away from home for college. How will I pay for it?! Why is it so bad to shake hands with the right hand? And does the vigorosity of the handshake really matter? And what in the world did I really do with all my free time (did I even have free time?)? How can I have such a huge family and who will my grandparents live with when they're too old to live alone? Is it really true my mom actually didn't work at home and that I did my own laundry and that I really had a job in high school and that there are a whole four years of high school? That's so wierd. Foreign.

I feel a little displaced. I'm akward in any language and I don't understand any culture. I feel the most at home with my fellow exchange students who also are without a culture.

I want to dance. And drink. Or do karate. Spar in karate. Or rondorei and then go out with the karate guys after class. When I get home I'm going to lead a really high-energy class so fast that I'll barely be able to keep up. I love those classes. I want to write something and then feel good about the poetry of my composition. And I want to be sure of the spelling of what I wrote. I don't ever want to go home, but I want this to be home. I want to understand without thinking. Does that make sense? I want to just be. I want to understand my friends' jokes and why they think they're so funny. I want to be able to sit on my knees on the wooden floor and not feel pain in my knees and ankles. I feel like it's one of those children's games where you put the block into the hole. I'm a triangle and Japan's a square and I'm just not going in.

I'm not homesick. Not really even sad. Worn out maybe? Everything's still going well. I'm getting along really well with my family and my school friend's are really great. We go out more than I did in the States. On top of that, I have a plethora of exchange friends a phone call away. I still really like Japan and find it exciting to look out my window and see the mountains jutting off in the distance. I still eat lunch at Kyoto Station when I can and watch all the people coming and going and wonder about them all. Only now I understand when the little girl next to me says "Mom, I think that girl is writing in English in her little book. Look, she has blonde hair and she's wearing a school uniform. Where do you think she's from?" I still enjoy inspiring that kind of curiosity in others, but no matter how well integrated I become, little girls will always wonder about me. I'm still excited about the language, but I don't even remember what it's like to understand everything. I'm baffled by the television.

I should look on the bright side because Nakai Sensei told me I should always look on the bright side. I have my lovely nightly baths and an amazing host family and a Nakai Sensei who tells me to look on the bright side and at least I can think in English and today wasn't so cold. And it's funny to think what my family must think when they hear me dancing around me room. I don't think my American family could hear me as well as they can. Haha. And I wonder what they think when they hear me sing in the shower. And I love tea.

And now I'm stalling because when I finish this I have to study and that means turning off my Howie Day, who of course is singing in English.

So goodbye. Have a Merry Christmas.

Owari

I passed. It wasn't too bad. I actually worked out a total of about 20 minutes. I couldn't believe it was so fast. I just did my stuff and that was it. I didn't even do everything I know. At least not one by one. It took a little bit longer because we went in two groups - group A and group B. THe Japanese wasn't too bad either. I understood almost all of it. Besides that Nakai Sensei was there translating for me. But I could have done it without him I'm sure. The best thing is that in the beginning, they told us they had every intention to pass us all and that the main purpose of us being there was to learn kendo. So when anyone messed up, they stopped and helped them. They said they wanted us to walk out of there knowing everything we had to know. After the test, we spent about an hour going over the katas we know piece by piece. That was a little harder to understand, but they allowed Nakai Sensei on the floor to translate, and really I understood more from the visuals than from anything else. It was good.

my kendo gear smells funny

My test starts tomorrow morning. Eek. I'm not sure if I'm nervous or not. Haha, maybe that's becuase if I say I'm nervous, I'm not sure if I'm really what I'm saying, so I'm not really sure what I'm feeling. Oh dear, I don't think I explained that very well. Ah well. It's a wierd wierd thing to be preparing for a first rank test. And I feel ridiculous telling people "In the States, I did karate, kung fu, judo, and aikido." "Wow! What clubs are you in here?" "Kendo." I make it sound like I know five martial arts. That's ridiculous. I always start with "Oh in the States, I did karate." and they might say "Cool! I do judo!" "Oh really! That's really cool! I do too!" "Karate and judo?" "Erm, yeah. Together." "Wow! My friend does judo and aikido!" "Oh cool! I do judo and aikido too!" "AND aikido?!" "Well, sorta. Yeah." "Wow that's so cool! Which is your favorite." "Well we use them together, so that's a difficult question. But probably my favorite katas are kung fu katas." "KUNG FU TOO! Wow! What else?" "Nothing else. Really, that's it!" "Wow! Well our school has none of that. So you probably have a lot of time since you're not in a club, right?" "Well, actually I'm in the kendo club." "WHAT?!" So yeah. I look like the jerk that knows five martial arts, when in reality... what? I wouldn't consider myself proficient in five martial arts. I have a lot to learn. I can rule out kendo right away. I'm a black belt in Bai Ying Pai. Whatever that means. I've been working on martial arts for six and a half years. So whatever that means is what I am.

Anyways. yeah. Test tomorrow morning. I should be sleeping of course. It's funny preparing for it. I think things like, "Oh, I better start stocking up on water so I can last through this test." Oh yeah. Ten minutes long. "I'd better eat a good, healthy, substantial breakfast so I can make it through tomorrow." Oh yeah. I just need to run in, show them I know what a shinai is, and run out. I won't even break a sweat. I'm sure of that.

Tomorrow is also Christmas party number one. I'm looking forward to it. For one, I get to socialize with my last Okaasan, which'll be nice. And for two maybe I can make a comeback with my Japanese after the flop on Wednesday. And maybe it might even be fun. It is a party after all. I asked Otoosan what we're going to do and he said just eat and play BINGO. Okay. Err, guess that could be really fun.

Oh man, I'm really tired. Goodnight. Wish me luck.

Success!!

I'm so cool! Woo! You won't believe how cool I am. I'm beyond cool. I'm the bomb diggidy. yeah. That cool. I went to a Rotary Club meeting today, which was about the same as normal - a little boring. I was one of the only ones awake by the end of the meeting, which I found ironic as I was probably the only one that couldn't understand what they were saying. I saw my last host father for the first time since I changed families. That was nice. Not as akward as I imagined. The Rotarians took turns asking me the normal questions. How is your Japanese? Do you enjoy kendo? Do you have a lot of friends? What have you been up to? (Not so good yet, yes, yes, and iroirona). I was a little sad because I still stumbled more often than not and I had a plan to impress them. =) The plan failed. But I did get some interesting comments. You look different, one person said. I thought I wasn't understanding him, but then he told me my face has changed. Interesting. I wonder what he means. I'm zittier than I was when I arrived? I was wearing contacts today, which I don't normally wear. And I was in a really great mood. Laughing at everything. My cheeks were red because it was cold outside. Maybe it was one of those.

I went shodo and learned the kanji for "the art of" and then went to kendo and learned the rest of the stuff I need to know for my test on Saturday. After that was the highlight of my day. Oh man. I'm obviously too cool for myself. I went to a Rotaract meeting, which is where young Rotarians wannabes get together and try to save the world. It was a lot of fun. I was so cool! I understood about 99% of everything said to me! It was amazing. I even followed group conversations! I'm incredibly excited! Everyone came up to talk to me and my host sister(/translator) had to go help with something, so I was left alone with all the questions and no English. It was great. I couldn't believe it. They kept saying "Holy cow! You've only been here since August! That's amazing! You're Japanese is so good!" And I kept waiting for them to say something I didn't understand or to want to say something I couldn't, but it didn't come. It even almost felt natural! Woo! Party time! I understood! Woo woo! After the meeting (which felt a little like a church youth group meeting), we went out to eat and man was I cool. I understood! Some people started out directing their questions to my host sis ("What school is she going to? Where is she from? Does she speak Japanese?") but I totally intercepted them and answered them with ease. Man it felt good. It feels good. Some people asked my host sis what language they should speak to me in and she automatically replied Japanese. I was pleased but a little afraid I'd make a fool out of myself (I feel stupid asking people to speak to me in Japanese and then not understanding), but not a problem. It helped I think that my host sister was there, completely confident that I could carry out a conversation. And she was there for backup in case I had any real linguistic problems, but I didn't let myself use her as a crutch. I didn't need to.

This is good news. You know that feeling when you have a test or a speech to make and you completely forgot to study for it? You just decide to wing it and then you start and wonder how long you can go before everyone catches on that actually you don't know a thing about what you're talking about. Your arguements aren't well made, your points aren't solid. You're a fake. Sometimes it feels like that when I'm speaking Japanese. How long until they realize I'm only catching the main idea? How long until they realize I have no idea what's going on? But today I wasn't winging it. Today I was talking. Communicating! Woohoo! I love love love communication. Especially successful communication. What'll it be like to be back home, where everyone understands me? To not struggle over the language? I don't even remember what it's like to talk with ease. I do it every week over the phone with my mom and usually every day at least a little with Nakai Sensei or David. But it's different. For one, my English is more haltering. I'm not so confident that I'm using correct words. And I have to consciously separate the English from the Japanese.

I want to talk more to you, tell you more about how it feels to understand and be understood. I want to scream as loud as I can and tell everyone how cool I am, or better yet, engage someone in a Japanese conversation. Alas, I have school in the morning. Oyasumi.

I like the people I'm surrounded by

So today in kendo, I sparred for the first time. It was fun! It was a tie, with neither of us getting any points, but I'm not sure what that means. The person might have just been being nice to me. Blocks were easy. The shinai is so big and slow that I could see all the techniques he threw long before he threw them. And because I'm smaller than most of the people I spar in karate, I have to get in close and fight fast if I want the advantage. In kendo, we both have to stay far from each other. I have to ignore my instict to get in closer. But it's okay. I thought I wouldn't know what to do when they gave the word to start, but they gave the word and I did just what I was supposed to do. I fought. I went for strikes. Far from good, but not bad for my first time. Not as bad as I expected it was going to be. My Sensei was really impressed. My friends tell me he was grinning and clapping and practically jumping out of his chair when I did this one technique, a strike to the, err, midregion. I didn't think much of it and when I heard the whole kendo club gasp, I assumed it was because it was a really poor technique to do at that time, but afterwards they told me it was good and they were are all impressed. That was nice.

I also learned two katas today. It felt really great. I love katas. I know some people who think they're a waste of time and some people who think they're a good use of time, but just don't like them anyways. I love love love katas. My katas were as short as short leapord form and probably the easiest katas I've ever learned, but they felt really great. Mostly, it was just walking to the opponent, striking, and backing away. Nonetheless, it felt really great. I love the mechanics of katas. I love that everything has a purpose and when put together and everything is alligned just the right way, the technique feels really good. I love the snap of the body and the feeling of projecting my power into my opponent. These new katas I learned are dramatically easier than the last kata I learned (Dancing Dragon? Flowing II? Something like that), but they felt just as good. Better, maybe. Oh yeah, and they're done with the wooden sword. Not the shinai (bamboo sword), but the wooden sword that we have at White Eagle that nobody but the Sensei's know how to use. Not me. Except now I can do a really simple kata. Yeah. And I was able to effectively ask questions and understand the reasons for where my body was where it was. I love martial arts very much. I was afraid I might stop and lose everything in college, but I'm not afraid of that anymore. It feels way too right to stop anytime soon.

I'm So Happy!

One of my friends came over and spent some time with me this weekend. She is from Hungary and not doing so well with her host family or school. She's not happy here and is considering returning home early. She asked me what my secret is. Why am I so happy? How did I get so lucky as to end up with two really great host families? She told me "You do your things very well," referring to living here. It was really surprising to hear that. I absolutly love it here, adore my host family, and pretty much want to marry the world, but I didn't know that it was so obvious or that everyone didn't share that feeling. I feel like I'm living an exchanger's dream. I'm not homesick. I'm learning the language. I'm on my second really awesome family. I made really good, patient friends on the first day of school and go out with them whenever we have time. I'm not in any really difficult classes. I have one of the few large houses in Japan. I have a laptop. I have supportive teachers. I was automatically accepted into the kendo club and am expected to participate like any of the members. My Rotary club loves me. My trips are fun. My country is amazing. My family is fairly wealthy (okay, admit it, it is a plus to anyone's exchange). My commute to school is fun. I've tricked the world into thinking I'm a good student. I keep thinking this happy feeling is fake and looking for the real feeling underneath, but it's not fake. I really am happy. It's not "fake it till you make it," it's absolutly happiness. And everyone I'm with knows it, which makes them like me more, which makes me happier, which makes it show more. I ran into a kid from school whom I didn't know at all, and she asked to take a picture with me. I love it.

And I've gotten myself kind of a reputation of a happy person. My friend came over just to see what advice I could give her on being happy. I was talking to my english teacher about my new family and how I now commute to school. He said "Man, that's going to suck. You have a bus and two trains? That'll take forever. Maybe we can figure something else out." I said, "It's not too bad. I can sleep on the bus and I like taking the trains. Besides, if we worked something else out I wouldn't be able to go through Kyoto Station, and that's like my favorite place to be." He shook his head and replied "Why don't you ever complain? If I was you, I'd be b**ching up a storm right now." The other day I was trying a new food and everyone was watching me to see how I'd react. I tried it and smiled, pronouncing it delicious. Every laughed and said "Man! She eats anything! She does anything! Is she Japanese?" So yeah, thanks for the advice, Renie. Not complaining works.

Oh, and I decided on my career, finally. I'm going to be a monk when I grow up. I'll live in a temple and run around in the woods surrounding it and tend to the gardens and shave me head. I could get up every morning at 5 with the other monks and pray to the gods of health and love and eat tofu and make the world beautiful. Which college specializes in that?

If I was God, I'd make every day like today

So Okaasan told me we were going to see something light up. What? I'm not sure. And then slowly I piece together her Japanese. We are going to see Kyoto Station light up. Why? Who cares why. Just go with the flow. No, not the station. Maybe we are going to the station to see Kyoto light up. I assume it's for Christmas, as there have been an increasing amount of Christmas lights going up in my neighborhood. No, we aren't even going to Kyoto Station at all. I in fact have no idea what's going on.

It turned out we went nowhere near Kyoto Eki. We went to a different station to meet my host sister and then my host sis and her friend and I went together to a temple to see the most beautiful thing I've ever seen maybe in my life. France has it's Louvre and Italy has Da Vinci. Poor Japan is so underrated. We went to a temple surrounded by trees. They were lighted perfectly and the colors were magnificent. They are only lighted for five days every year or every fall or something. At one point, all the trees were around this lake and you could see the reflection of the Autumn colors on the water. It was amazing. I wish I could should you. The pictures didn't turn out well because it was so dark. (it was at 7 maybe) There were sooo many people there! Everyone was exclaiming how pretty it was and taking pictures. I even ran into my last host family there! That was really exciting!

I saw some really great art too. I was never really a big fan of Asian art before this year, but I absolutely love it now. Having tried a little shoto, I have more respect for the art form. I can see the strokes made by the ancient artists and respect the skill and sheek beauty of the black ink. Japanese art is so smooth and natural.

Ugg. I'm so tired I might sleep on the computer, but I feel like it's important to tell you about today. Forgive any following mistakes. Between my English being so clumsy and me being so tired, I'm not sure this is going to turn out well. But at least you'll know about today.

So many sites and smells! The smells are what really get me! Cigarette smoke and sesame and people and new clothes and old clothes and chicken and a slight body odor, but nothing really uncomfortable. In fact, I find the smell of cigarette smoke a little comforting. And you look up and see bamboo shoots and red paper lanterns and people! and woman wearing kimonos and I even actually saw a maiko san today! And it's times like that when I realize I am in Japan. What more could I ever want? I really think I'm one of the luckiest people in the world right about now.

I really am falling asleep as I write this. Darn. But good news. School is out. I'll write tomorrow. Oyasumu.

Leaving

Tomorrow is my last day with the Watadas. Wow, they are so incredibly nice. I'm going to miss them. They already promised to visit me in the States at the first convenient time. Is this summer okay? Oh yeah, you won't have left Japan by then. Yeah, so everyone in the States can meet them hopefully next summer. They're serious. They made me a Pinky Promise. I'm so excited to be the translator for them! Haha, I absolutely love it when people ask me what something is in English. It's such a change of roles. And when Taina was over we spoke mostly English and watched everyone else wonder what we were saying. I think we both felt rude, but we both cherished the feeling of being the only ones that knew what was going on, instead of the other way around. But tomorrow, I'm having a goodbye party and Taina is coming. We're speaking Japanese because I also invited a school friend that in fact speaks Japanese.

So tomorrow, the Watada's are throwing me a goodbye party. Thursday I'm changing families. No school on Thursday. Oh, Thursday is Thanksgiving, isn't it? Geez, that snuck up on me. I guess it's easy to forget it when every store doesn't have dancing turkeys inviting you in. Maybe I should do something for Thanksgiving. Haha, a little late desu ne? I haven't seen one turkey, fake or otherwise, since I left the States. how funny.

Anyways, Saturday, I'm going to Fuchiyama with the kendo club to watch the tournament. I'm excited about that. It should be a lot of fun. Sunday, we're returning and Monday through Friday will be test week, which means I stay home and everyone else goes to school and sweats through tests. I love it here. But when the new school year starts in April, I'm going to ask to be put in regular classes I think. I enjoy only being in art and gym and calligraphy and english, but I'm not sure if that defies the point of being here or not.

So while you guys are all finishing this post and getting ready for bed, I'll be waking up and preparing for my goodbye party. How wierd. And now, I'm going to sleep and you're going to go through a whole day. Yish. Goodnight. Good morning.

Packing

So I'm packing again today. My next host family will be coming to pick me up for lunch at 2, where I will meet them and they will pick up the majority of my luggage. Packing is so wierd. I feel the exact same as I did the last time I packed all my 75 pounds or under wordly belongings in two suitcases. Sad but terribly excited. I'm more nervous this time. I'm going home at the end of the year, but I'm never going to live here again. And so many kids have problems with their host families. What if I do too? But I don't think I will. I'm pretty easy to get along with. So yeah. My belongings are slowly (very slowly) disappearing into my bags and my family is running around preparing the house for the Uedas. I'm finding things everywhere. Shoes. Geez, I came with three pairs of shoes - a pair of flip flops, a pair of tennis shoes, and a pair of heeels. I'm leaving with seven. Yes seven. They were so cheap! And cute! I bought a pair of red checked tennis shoes and two pairs of heels. And then my host aunt gave me another pair that were too big for her. Ugg. How am I going to keep the 75 pounds or under weight limit with a whole year in Japan? I'm not sure.

I like packing very much. It's exciting to think of what's next and appeals to my sense of order.

Okay, I've got an hour and a half to finish. I'd better get on it.

As an Ambassador

I really like my job as an American Ambassador. For one, it makes me feel important. For two, people listen to me. They listen to my opinions about Japan and treat my opinons as if they are backed by some kind of authority. As if I am some kind of authority. I like it. It's nice that not only do people listen to me, but they want to. They enjoy my questions and my insight into their culture (and my own).

Today was absolutely amazing. I had kendo practice this morning which was fun. I felt less overwhelmed than I usually do. Less like I'm just randomly swinging the shinai, and more like I'm putting technique into it. Afterwards, Sakai Sensei told me he's going to take me to a kendo test on the 16th of Decemeber. That should be interesting. I don't know Japanese. I don't know kendo very well at all. But I'd like to see what a test is like. And who knows, maybe it'll be fun. Maybe. Saturdays are always spar days, and this was my first Saturday with all the gear. I thought I might get to spar, but it turned out I wasn't able to. But it was incredibly interesting to watch and try to figure out the rules and what makes a good strike. I think I can do this.

After kendo, I met my Brazilian friend at Kyoto Station (my favorite place in Japan) and we went together to my house. Okaasan is so funny. She's probably one the coolest, greatest people in the world and I am sooo lucky I ended up with her. Asukachan got really angry with us for speaking in English, so we tried Japanese until that got too slow. Taina (my friend) and I listened to Jack Johnson, who happens to be both our favorite singers, and ate cake. We were going to my host gramma's house when we got into a car accident. Cool, huh? It was complete with fire, blood, ambulance, and screams. Okay okay, I'm exaggerating. I didn't even realize we were in an accident until Okaasan started apologizing like crazy. My host sister bit her lip pretty badly and insisted on being taken to the hospital. She was fine though. Nobody was hurt besides her, and boy did she play it up. We stayed in the car and watched TV while they figured everything out. Whenever people would look in the window at us (two foriegners and a bloody 7 seven year-old), Asukachan would start crying and screaming. She stopped whenever they weren't looking. Oh brother. I felt so bad for my host mother. Otoosan was angry with her and she had two foreigners and a screaming kid to deal with, on top of causing a three car accident. I wanted to hug her and tell her to calm down. I tried helping, but I couldn't do much more than find tissue for the bloody lip and tell Okaasan to calm way down. But I don't think it did much. Ah well. It was fun. Everyone is okay. Otoosan said Okaasan isn't allowed to drive anymore. Haha, that's funny. I think. He says she has to take the subway from now on. I would be furious if my husband told me that.

So while Asukachan was being rushed frantically to the hospital so the doctors could admire her swollen lip, Okaasan and I returned home. Taina also went to her home. Okaasan and I had a really good talk. It started by me explaining that in America, boys and girls freely talk to each other, but in Japan, they never even look at each other. We ended up talking about her marriage with Otoosan and lots of things about Japanese relationships I was really curious about. She was really great about catering to my curiousity and did not have a problem answering some semi-personal questions. And she recpricated them, which was nice. We talked and compared and when I apoligized for asking personal questions, she said that it's okay because she likes to know what I'm curious about and she wants to help me understand. God I love her. I'm so lucky. I'm in the best country in the best city in the best Rotary Club (really, my friends and I compare clubs and we've decided that mine is the best) and the best family. Except I change in a few days. Maybe they'll be the best too. I hope so.

Kendo Blues

Today was a particularly rough day at kendo. Actually, most days are particularly rough. I can keep up just fine. I've been practicing everything they give me and working hard to understand as much as I can. I felt pretty good until my gear got here. With the gear on, I feel big and clunky. It's disorienting. I can't hear the instructions very well. When I can hear, I can't understand very well. The shinai stops being an extension of my arm and starts being a stick. It's hard to explain. I'm so big that it takes all my focus to figure out where I am and I have nothing left for getting the technique right. And it's like that feeling when you spar. When you spar in karate, you're supposed to be so focused and unthinking that things just come. A little like a kata. During regular class, I'm always thinking about where I am and where my opponent might be and what I'm doing right and wrong and how to improve. But when you spar, it's much easier just to not think. Only I've never been good at that. But in kendo, you're always supposed to not think. You're supposed to scream when you strike. It's so hard for me to completely lose myself every day for a few hours. Maybe once a few weeks for 20 minutes is okay, but still difficult. I'm not good at kendo. I'm pretty bad, actually. I'm frustrated that I do things wrong even when I know better. I'm frustrated that I know how to lock my body but that I'm not doing it. I'm frustrated that I can't understand when people try to help me. I hate just staring at them and shrugging. I feel so stupid when I do that. And they're so nice and patient. But I can't hear with the men gear. And today, I didn't wear contacts, so I couldn't see either. I kept missing the target and when they showed me on the shinai where I'm supposed to hit, I had trouble explaining that I had no idea what they were saying and I couldn't see either. Ugg. So I can't hear. I can't see. I can't talk. All I can smell is me. What does that leave? Touch? From now on, I'm wearing contacts every day. No more glasses.

It's only 10:30 PM and I'm soooo mecha tired. Goodnight.

the monster in us all

Hey all. I just returned from an amazing three day trip down through Southern Japan. It was pretty incredible. I went to Hiroshima via bus along with maybe 11 other exchange students from around the world. Last time we met, we often tried to speak Japanese together just to practice and show off a little. This time, we had so much to say to each other, we just spoke in whatever language we could to get the point across. Sometimes, us native English speakers would get in such a frenzy and start talking too fast. The others would ask us to repeat ourselves, and suddenly, Japanese would be flying out. It was a mad bonanza of languages. I actually found myself saying "Bonjour amigo! Kino, I saw a neco at my house! Sugoi, ne?" Languages are incredible. I'm in love with words and sounds and the way everything fits so perfectly together, especially in Japanese. I don't know if Japanese is really any more difficult than the Romance languages when it comes down to it. The grammar is fairly simple and the rules don't have very many exceptions. Japanese is absolutely more daunting than most languages I know of, but probably not really very much more difficult.

Anyways, the most interesting part of my incredibly fantastic trip was the walk the Hiroshima's memorial. It was staggering. Exactly what I expected it to be, and yet, I was overwhelmed and surprised all the same. It hurt to go through the museum and if I'd have been with my mom (the biological, American one) I would have cried. I wanted her to be there to hold my hand. I wanted someone to tell me it was all a horrible prank. I wanted to stop hurting for all the melting children in the pictures. I didn't expect Hiroshima to have such an effect on me. I mean, I knew the details. I've thought about it extensively enough. Nobody has hidden any truth from me. And yet, there they were, beneath my feet, in the air, on the black on photos, calling out for relief from there torture. I hate how vivid my mind is. I hate that I could hear the sobs and feel the shock.

I am afraid America made a grave grave mistake. I'm afraid it was worse than a mistake. I've been tought that the choices, while difficult, were limited. Invade Japan and prolong the war, or swiftly take out a couple of cities with the a-bomb and bring immediate peace. I'm afraid. I'm shocked. I'm ashamed.

I was proud of our insistance of "unconditional surrendor" when I learned about it in history. I was pleased to know our great nation stood firmly on it's values. All Japan wanted was to keep it's emporer. Why did we insist on unconditional surrendor? Why didn't we warn them directly and outright that we had the a-bomb? Why wasn't every single damn alternative considered? Why did we bomb Nagasaki so soon after Hiroshima? Why didn't we listen to the Japanese try to negotiate peace? In the end, the only condition they really wanted, the retention of the emporer, was accepted anyways. Couldn't we have skipped the Hiroshima step?

I guess in the end, it doesn't matter if the deaths served a purpose or not. The mothers certainly weren't proudly holding there burning babies, pleased they were helping to bring about peace. No amount of crying can change what happened. No amount of questioning and wondering can make it okay.

And yet, my faith in my country has been badly shaken. Not only did we (they?) do such an aweful thing, but it was not last resort. In America, we debated about it in history class. Was Hiroshima necessary? In Japan, the idea that the issue is even devatable would be astonishing. I'm so afraid of what we did.

And now what do I do with this heavy feeling? How do I come to terms with it? How can I use it to make things better? Can I make things better?

Universal Studios

I don't have much time to post, but I thought I'd let you know how USJ was this weekend. Amazing. I'm ashamed to say I didn't make a very good ambassador. I screamed at the top of my lungs while my little host sister laughed her tush off. At first, I tried screaming in Japanese, which was pretty funny. I screamed things like "Dangerous! Dangerous!" and "HEELP!" and "Okay, finished. Let's finish. Okay. Finished. Finished." and ended up reverting to my natural roller coaster scream "AHHH!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!" and once it hit me that no one on the whole roller coaster could understand me, so I added some choice words I would never scream at the top of my lungs in normal circumstances. Freedom of speech is utterly complete when nobody understands you.

Okay, it's way too late. Night.

I'm Sick

You know what I like about my body? It can't be fooled. I can trick myself into not being cold. I can push myself past pain. I can convince myself I don't have to use the restroom. I can force happiness if I feel the need. I can make it through a 13 hour black belt test only barely breaking a sweat. But my body knows the truth. The next day, I'm sick from the cold that wasn't there, or bruised from the pain I didn't feel. It's a healthy reminder to me that I'm not near as invincible as I've convinced myself I am. Not only does my body react from being cold for too long, it knows what to do. It tells me to slow down and sleep. It tells me what foods to eat and which muscles need relaxed. I think bodies are absolutely amazing.

I worked out today for the first time with the full kendo gear. It was hard! I've worked so much on those few basic moves and felt okay with them. And then I put on the gear and I could barely do anything. Lots of times, I was paired up with people that would forget that it was my first time, which I liked best. I like being expected to follow along. But the head gear blinds the sides, which I find extremely uncomfortable. I'm expected to fight without being able to see beside me?! And I'm clunky and akward and heavy in all that stuff. In karate, my fortes are my speed and my flexible. Now I'm slow and who cares if I can do the splits? I felt sort of like I was carrying my cello around. I was too big and didn't know where all of me was. Does that make sense? In karate (way of the open hand), I know exactly where I am. I know how far I need to be to throw a successful technique. I know how to react. In kendo, I think I'm one place, but all that gear means I'm really somewhere else. And in kendo-ists take turns hitting the gear with the shinai. Whenever someone went to swing one at me, I instinctively jumped out of the way or went to block it. Woops. Have to get over that.

One of my friends told me after school that I shouldn't go to kendo today. I asked why and she said because I'm miserably sick. But I have to go to kendo, I said. I can't miss just because I hurt a little. She asked me why. If I miss, Sensei will be really angry with me. Besides, missing isn't really even an option. I have to go. Who will teach if I miss? Who can I call in on such short time. Oh wait. Different Sensei. Different art. Different teacher. I guess I could miss. And then she asked me why I even went to school today. Duh. I didn't want to fall behind. I didn't want to miss assignments. I didn't want to be a problem for the people who would have to catch me up. I didn't want a little sickness to control me. Oh wait. What am I going to fall behind in, gym? English? My empty study periods? Okay, tomorrow if I'm this sick, I'm staying home.

I think a big reason is that I AM paranoid about control. If I'm sick, I absolutely go to school. If I'm running on zero sleep, I go to school and karate and even stay up late just to punctuate my point. That's not healthy. It should stop. I should take hints from my all-knowing body.

My kendo stuff is here!!!!!!!

Today has been absolutley magnificent. I finally memorized my 24 word vocab list. The seats on the subway were heated!!!! And I bought a hot lemonade-like beverage out of the vending machine on my way home from school. My kendo gear finally got here just as I was about to leave kendo, which means tomorrow is my big day! I will work out the whole day, instead of with them for the first 20 minutes and watching for most of the rest of the time. I love love love learning. That's probably the best thing about kendo. And everyone is a higher rank than me, so anyone can tell me when I mess up. Woohoo! I love it. I'm understanding more everyday. Nakai Sensei told me today that I'm learning the language faster than any other exchange student he's worked with. That made me feel good. I wore shorts under my skirt today. Have you ever worn pj's under your skirt? Whenever I do, I feel really sneaky and unbelievably clever. Haha, I felt a little bit like that whenever I thought of my shorts, though they didn't really do anything to help keep me warm, so it was a waste of cleverness.

I really enjoy learning Japanese. I like that every time I learn a word, I find many occasions to use it. Like, have you ever learned a fact you never knew and then suddenly, you hear the fact everywhere and you wonder why you haven't heard of it before? That's how I feel with words. I have more words than I use in a day. Haha, isn't that a funny thing to be proud of?

At Kyoto Eki, there's this huge, beautiful Christmas tree. I take the long way through the station just so I can see it. Tomorrow, I will take a picture of it. I love Kyoto Station and I think the Christmas tree is magnificent. Haha, under it, it says in big letters "Merry X-mas!"

I'm going to come home with a lot of things, I'm thinking. Hopefully a new language, lots of new clothes, a killer immune system, a nose ring (kidding), kendo knowledge, and a ton of pictures. But I don't know if I'm going to gain a lot of character while I'm here. I don't mind. I like my character just fine. Besides, I have my whole life to build character and only a year to enjoy Japan. I like being happy. To be honest, I expected my exchange to be a lot more difficult than this. Maybe I'm jinxing myself.

How nice

Today, I was walking home with my little host sis. I was deep in thought and not really paying attention to anything when she told me I should smile. "What?" I said, figuring I had misunderstood her. Nope, she told me I'm really beautiful when I smile. Aww. She's seven years old and really asked me to smile so I would look pretty. That made me feel pretty good. She loves how western I look. When she has friends coming over, she asks me to put on my contacts so they can see how blue my eyes are. Hehe. I love it here.

Nihongo

Japanese is difficult! I'm glad I'm working from a textbook, otherwise it would be hard to see the actual progress I'm making. It's so slow. I want the whole language! I want to say anything! I want to understand everything I hear! Sometimes, I feel like I'm not moving at all, just flipping through my text and emptily listening to the people around me. That's the most frustrating thing, that I can't understand everyone. Sometimes, I want to scream "SLOW DOWN!! One sentence at a time, dude!" Every morning, my homeroom teacher reads the announcements, and every morning, I almost understand them. But not enough. Never enough.

Nakai Sensei told me some frustrating news today. He said that I shouldn't expect to go home fluent and that I should focus on being able to make myself understood and to learn the rhythm of Japanese. He said it'll be much easier to learn the language when I go home if I have the rhythm down. He also said that I'm learning much faster than most exchange students he deals with (he has one every few years for twenty years, maybe), my pronunciation is great, and that if I keep up my work I will go home with a working knowledge of Japanese. He also says that these next few months will probably the most difficult, especially linguistically and that I shouldn't get frustrated. Only they talk and talk and I catch glimpses of phrases I know, but I can't understand. Every successful conversation is something I take pride in, and I usually have a few a day, but I want MORE! Every book promises that it's can teach me the language in a few short weeks, but it's been two months. I know, I didn't expect to be fluent in two months and it's ridiculous to be disappointed that I'm not, but it's getting old.

My next family knows no English, I hear. Good. And I'm going to make Nakai Sensei talk to me more in Japanese. And I'm going to study more.

Today, despite the negativity emanating from this post, was fairly good. Kendo was a little slow but that'll change when I get my gear. Oh, we're going to a tournament somewhere maybe west of here. I can't participate, but it's an overnight trip and I'm invited. I get to stand on the sides and scream "FIGHTO! FIGHTO!! NICE-O FIGHTO!!" I absolutely love that. I think it's one of the funniest things ever. I didn't know what they were saying the first time I heard it and when I finally figured it out, I cracked up. It's a fairly common cheer here. Even the kendo no Sensei screams it somethimes.

And my host ma's mother came over today to celebrate her 58th birthday. That was fun. She said she's really impressed with my Japanese. I tried denying it, but she pointed out that the last time she came, I could barely speak to her and now I can keep up in conversations and make myself understood fairly easily, and it's only been a month. I said I wasn't good enough yet. I hate denying compliments. I wanted to run into her arms and tell her that really made me feel good. In the end, I smiled and thanked her. How American am I allowed/supposed to be? Zen zen? A little? A lot? I don't know.

Tomorrow (Friday) is a holiday, but I have kendo practice for a few hours. Afterwards, I'm either going to try to do something with my friends or go searching for a camera card reader and a notebook. Saturday is kendo and Obaasan's house and my phone home day (hurray!). Sunday I meet my next family. Yikes. I hope they're nice. But I'm looking forward to it. It should be fun and I've already met the father. Oh yeah, and I'm meeting them at the dog party they're throwing. I asked my host parents what happens at a dog party and they laughed and said they had no idea. How amazing is that? They're throwing a party for/in honor of their dogs. They can't be too terrible.

A Cultural Misunderstanding?

Today was wierd. I was in my shodo class (Japanese calligraphy) and the Sensei (teacher) was writing out the kanji (word) I was going to do today. He wrote it for me then turned to leave. "Wait!" I thought, "You didn't write the stroke order! Come back!" I did some fast thinking and said in Japanese "Chotto motte!" which literally means a little bit stop. I meant to say "Don't leave yet!" He turned around and laughed. I KNOW "Chotto motte" means wait just a second. I use it every day when I talk to my little host sis, and she uses it with me and with Okaasan. How could he be laughing? At first, I thought he heard me wrong, but then I realized that everyone at my table was laughing. In fact, within moments, the whole class was laughing. I don't mind being laughed at, but it was a little frustrating that I was using a perfectly standard phrase and they were pretty much telling me I was wrong. My Sensei asked me who taught me the phrase and I said I wasn't sure, I just heard it a lot. He told me the stroke order I wanted and walked away. My friend told me I shouldn't say that to teachers. I left off the "please." What?! All that fuss because I didn't say "please"? I laughed and apologized to my teacher (impolitely, I later learned), thanked him for the stroke order (impolitely, I later learned), and went to work, thinking the ordeal was over. Only, he didn't say anything to me the whole class, whereas he is usually hovering over me telling me everything I'm doing is wrong and helping me to do it right. Either my shodo suddenly got really good or I offended him. Later, I overheard one of my friends saying that he was angry with me. I had no idea that he was angry. He was laughing for goodness sakes. What's the big deal?

So there are some lessons to be gleaned from this. Just because I know a word doesn't mean I know how to use it. The Japanese are really really big on politeness, especially when it's a student-teacher relationship. While I have many privilages as a foreigner, forgetting to say "please" isn't one of them. The Japanese are really wierd about showing anger. But, I was the only that didn't pick up on his anger, so it's possible (probable) that they aren't so wierd and I just don't know the signs to look for. NEVER give a teacher a direct order, such as "Wait just a second." They're really big on being indirect and subtle. Double check the Japanese you learn from a 7 year-old. I need to get really really comfortable with the polite form of verbs and other words.

Also, there have been teachers at the front gate of school every morning this week checking uniforms. It's really intimidating. They all scowl and stomp their feet and make kids get off their bikes so they can be inspected. It's intense. At the stop light before school, all the kids were adjusting their ties and straightening their socks. Nobody had rolled up skirts. And lo and behold, not a thing was said to me except "Good morning!" (in english) . Wierd, eh? I won't complain though. I told my host mom and she said it's because my uniform was perfect, but I had my doubts. They pick on everyone but me, and I've escaped them every day this week, which is unheard of. My theory is that nobody wants to have to be the one to speak English to the poor little gaijin. My host mom agrees with this theory and claims I'm pretty lucky. Sweet.

And my kendo instructor is really great. He makes sure I speak politely to him, but he doesn't get angry about it when I mess up (at least, I didn't think he does, but maybe...). The first time I saw him in the halls I smiled and said "Ohaiyoo!" really cheerfully. He shook his head and explained to me that was a very rude way to greet teachers and told me very carefully how I should greet him in the future. And then, he goes out of his way to say good morning to me just to make sure I say it right back to him. I'm grateful. He gave me a list of terms that I should know for kendo and takes me aside every class to see how I'm doing. He's not of afraid of the language barrier, like I suspect some of the club members are, and corrects me frequently. Yesterday, one of the kids said that he really likes me. Haha, she said I'm his favorite. In the States, that's not such a good thing. Here, I don't know. I'll take it if it means I'll get lots of help.

I can handle the language. I can even deal with the huge grammatical changes. I feel like I'm doing well - today I aced a quiz my Japanese teachers made for me. It's not anything that studying and trying can't manage. But the culture... I'm more confident that I'll be semi-fluent in Japanese than in the culture. Everything is different. People expect different things from me here than they did in the States. It's obvious, but sometimes I forget it. Sometimes, I almost get comfortable with my life, and then days like today jolt me awake and remind me to be wary and observent. Haven't Tara and Scott taught me anything? If you let your gaurd down, you're going to get punched in the face sooner or later. Sooner, usually. That's a lesson I've already learned too many times.

Monkeys in the street

Today, they finally measured me for my kendo gear. Which means I'll have everything in a week, hopefully. I have two shinais, a nice case, a bag for my uniform, at least one uniform and who knows what else. I couldn't talk to the guy. Haha. I'm not paying for it either. Rotary is. Cool, eh?

I've already torn through a shinai, which I feel terrible about, but I think the one they gave me to use was really old anyways and nobody else was ever going to use it. Thankfully. They gave me a newer one and told me not be so hard on them. I better figure out how to not be so hard on them before I get my own. And I don't want to damage this one that I'm using.

I saw monkeys in the street the other day. I thought it was the most amazing thing in the world. My host family thought it was funny that I was so excited. I wanted to go out and interact with them. My host family said absolutely not. *sigh*

bi bi kyu

Today, I went to a barbeque with Nakai Sensei and his church. It was very very good and incredibly fun. There was one girl there who was 16 and a few college students. I also went with David, so there was no lack of people to talk to. It was a successful day for me for several reasons. I had no problems mingling with everyone. I always have problems mingling. Why not here, in Japan? I did not take up the stupid, I-don't-know-what's-going-on role (another thing I did fairly regularly in the U.S. but not here) and I spoke and I understood and they understood me. I could follow pretty much everything said to me. A few people didn't make any effort to slow down or use really easy words either (at least I don't think). In fact, a few times, they would address their questions to a translator and I would answer them before the translator would get the chance to translate. Yeah, I'm so cool. It felt really good when Nakai Sensei (who is absolutely fluent in English) came by to see if I needed any linguistic help and saw me participating in a conversation. Also, I enjoy answering questions about America. I can. I am an authority on American culture. That's wierd. But I like it a lot. I like being listened to and I think it's exciting to be able to share my culture with these people. And it helps me find my own cultural identity to hear their questions.

I chased little kids who didn't even know I couldn't speak their language and talked to me with the expectation that they would be understood. Score for me. I participated in an outdoor tea ceremony and I think I butchered every aspect of it, but it was mecha interesting. And I kicked hard core butt in a tug of war contest. Even when a big strong man went to the other side to help them. I totally beat him and all his manliness. The whole church group stopped what they were doing to be impressed with me. Haha, I love it. This much attention and praise for one person can't be healthy.

I have fallen in love with communicating. I love it when people talk to me. I love talking to other people. I love being expected to be able. More than able. I am what I wanted to be when I was little looking at the big 18 year-olds. I am what I wanted to be when I was 17 looking at the big 18 year-olds.

Before I left, I heard that the common amount of time it takes an exchange student to be able to communicate effectively is three months. But I also heard that this deadline doesn't apply to Asian countries because the language is so incredibly different (I can vouch for that). I expected not to understand anything until maybe the fifth or sixth month. I'm two months into the exchange and I can communicate fairly easily. Of course, I couldn't fool anyone (well, unless the anyone is 3 or 4 years old...) into thinking I'm a native speaker, but I can fool people into thinking I've been studying for years. Today, many people asked me how long I've been studying Japanese. Surely I've been taking in high school for a few years, right? Haha! I'm so cool I can hardly handle it.

And then, to complete my successful day, I read an adevertisment all in kanji for a tire shop. Yeah! I read kanji all by myself!

The only thing wrong with today is that I got a little bit more cocky. I've become so full of myself that I'm only serving to support the idea that Americans are uhm, I can't remember the word that means full of yourself. Arrogant! Yeah, I've become arrogant and it feels so good I don't care.

Wooo!!!

Tomorrow, I work out in kendo with real live (not REALLY live) kendo gear! Woo! That means they're going to want me to keep up with everyone. That means people will be swinging shinais at me! That means I get to work out the whole class, maybe. I still don't have any head gear, so nobody is allowed to hit my head yet (can't say I'm too disappointed), but I'm really excited. Today, Sakai Sensei worked with me a little bit and it actually tired me. I miss being physically exhausted. I love it. It might be the first day I've been really tired from kendo. I've been really sore and I've had little bursts of sweat, but I haven't actually been tired yet. Except for today. I ran and ran and swung my heart out then ran some more. Magnificent. I love participating. I don't mind sitting in the back and watching, or working out with whoever can be spared, but I'm greatly looking forward to participating tomorrow. Oh man, I don't know Japanese!

Physical Symptoms of Japan

My face breaks out and clears up and breaks out and clears back up pretty arbitrarily. My face has been the worst it's ever been here in Japan, and for a week or so, I was seriously worried that it'd go way out of control. The next week, my face was clear as a summer afternoon in California. Now it's back to normal - one or two zits, but nothing crazy.

My stomach can't handle the food. I love just about everything I've tried, but I really just can't eat it sometimes. Sometimes it's a loss of appetite, and sometimes it's physical pain from the previous meal. I hope this will be gone within a few weeks.

I've become a morning person, ridiculously happy every morning.

When I come home, I will be a master at pictionary and charades. I've honed my miming skills greatly.

I wake up every morning at 7:00 without an alarm clock. Sometimes I get nine hours of sleep. And yet, I am still exhausted by the time school gets out around 3:15. This pattern wavers though. I'm always more tired than I was in the States, but sometimes I can make it all the way past kendo practice and sometimes I can hardly make it to school without wearing myself out.

I am getting very strong and losing a lot of flexibility. It's wierd.

I've lost all reserve. If I have a word for someting, you can bet I'm going to darn well use it. I dance whenever there is music playing. I sing if it's in English. I am Karaoke Queen. I say hello to every single person I know in school. I make jokes and go out on conversational limbs.

I have a permanent smile glued to my face. I have this theory that if people see me smiling, they'll think I know what's going on and include me in whatever they're talking about.

I love to go out on weekends.

I'm paranoid about little things, like tying my tie just so and getting all the wrinkles out of my sheet before I place the blankets on my bed. But I'm lax about other things I used to be really uptight about, like being punctual and never missing a karate class. Who cares about homework? I attempt what I can, but I don't stress nearly as much as I used to. If I can't finish something, than I can't finish it. I'm certainly not getting any grades here.

I've become very proud of my pale skin. Oh yeah, and I made my little host sister feel good about having dark skin. I told her that in the States, everyone wants a nice tan and that white skin isn't especially beautiful. The next time someone commented on her dark skin (the Japanese are very liberal with their comments on physical imperfections), I overheard her proudly proclaim that she is in fact lucky because in America, only the really pretty people have skin as dark as hers. I felt really good to know I helped make her feel beautiful.

Interestingly, I haven't gained or lost an ounce of wieght, though I'm surprised because I'm a lot stronger now than I was in the States.

And there are many many more physical signs that I'm not in Kansas anymore. Those are probably the most dramatic though.

Have a lovely day,
Heather

Mashed Potatoes = Luv

Some days, I can't believe how amazingly lucky I am. I'm freaking in Japan for one. For two, I'm in the best district in Japan. The weather doesn't get too too bad (though I hear the summers get a lot worse than what I saw) here and it's beautiful and it's close enough to Osaka if I have any shopping needs. It's not too far from the beach, not too terribly far from Tokyo, not too terribly far from anything, real. And then, I'm the luckiest of all the kids in my district because I'm the only one actually in Kyoto City. The Amazing Kyoto City, full of history and culture and beauty. The one every Japanese exchange student yearns to visit.

And then, I ended up in Toba High School, with really supportive teachers, namely Nakai Sensei. I also got a great AET (the English teacher from America that every high school has) who is really friendly and a wonderful all-around person. And then, I landed the Watada's, who are absolutely amazing. My first week here, Okaasan asked me what my favorite foods are, and I mentioned mashed potatoes. She said she didn't know them, so I told her I'd make them for her some day. That was two months ago. Today, I walked in the door and was met by a large helping of the best mashed potatoes in the world. I wanted to cry or hug or her or scream how incredibly nice she is, but instead, I ate the mashed potatoes. I can't believe this lady. She made me mashed potatoes! They were different than I've ever tasted, but probably the best mashed potatoes I'll ever eat. How did I get so lucky? And how will I ever repay this woman her kindness?

I'm also doing great with the language. My sister read me a story today, and I almost could follow the whole thing! Haha, I read it back, and she was cracking up over how slow I was. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with their alphabets. Of course, I learned them before I left the States, but it takes me forever to read. And most things aren't even written in the two alphabets I learned. Most things are written in kanji, which is the one character per word thing everyone's heard of. It's a mess. My calligraphy class is really great though because I get to practice kanji, learn a new word, and surprise, learn calligraphy all at once. I've learned invaluable phrases from the calligraphy class such as "Heather! Not like that!" "Don't do that!"
"Slowly!" "Please practice more." and "STOP!" Haha, I love it here. I can seriously say all that in Japanese. Who knew calligraphy would teach me all that?

A Fabulous Weekend

Yesterday (Sat.), I mascotted for Toba High School as their real live, geniune foreigner. They had prospective middle school kids come and tour the school and the kendo club volunteered (or maybe the coach volunteered us? Or maybe we didn't volunteer at all, now that I think about it) to hand out information packets to the younguns. I, however, stood on the side and smiled and made curt little bows while the kids gawked at my actual, factual blond hair. I have a secret. I relish the attention. I do. I absolutely love that random people stop me in the halls and ask to feel my hair. Okay, that's a little wierd, but I do love that everyone in the whole school says good morning to me and I love that my eyes are so blue and my freckles so obvious. I love it. I should have made more of an effort to be popular in high school. It's so much fun.

Anyways, I participated in a sample english class for the middle school students, then snuck out while the kendo club wasn't looking and went out to eat with a friend.

Here's the scoop with the friend. I'd never met her before Saturday. I didn't know her name. I had no idea where we were going. She isn't a Toba High School student. She doesn't live anywhere near me or my high school. Her father is a gym teacher at Toba (not my gym teacher, mind you) and she is intersted in English. So he asked me if I could spend a day with her. It was a lot fun. We went out to eat and then to a puricura booth. We spent the majority of the four hours in the restaurant, getting acquainted and figuring out how to communicate (neither of us where sure which language to speak in). She's a really nice girl who's dream is to travel around the world and learn at least three or four different languages. She also didn't ask me if I needed a spoon and a forku (which is like a slap in the face) when we ate, so she got extra points for that.

Today, I went to a really big festival in Kyoto, which might rival Macy's Day Parade. It was cool, though I don't understand the purpose. If I were a really good exchange student, I would look it up. Alas, I am a mediocre exchange student and I might get around to asking someone tomorrow. Afterwards, we went to my very first karaoke bar, which was a wierd experience. The room was small and a little dark. The table and the chairs took up most of the room, and only one group went in at a time. I was picturing a big room with lots of open space and maybe a stage with a small television and lots of people. Duh, I'm in JapanLand now. It was small and we were alone. We took turns picking songs, and I sang such songs as "Let it Be," "Heartache Tonight," "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," "Country Roads," and "A Thousand Miles." They sang such songs as "Blah blah blah," "Ukiwakisaki," and other stuff.

We went out to eat and I had possibly the best food ever, though I couldn't tell you the name of it if my life depended on it. It was good though. It was also cooked on the table, which was like a giant pan. A little like that restraunt in WV with a name I can't remember. Oh yeah, Hibachi or something. Except every table had it's own little grill and there were no really cool servers tossing shrimp into your mouth. Japanese food is nothing like Hibachi's, by the way.

We biked/jogged home (there were four of us and three bikes...), Asukachan practiced her piano, we took our baths, and here I am. Tired. Very snug with my favorite teddy bear and cuddly laptop. Oh, I don't think Japanese children sleep with teddy bears. My family thought it was a pillow. Haha.

Okay, I'm exhausted. Oyasumi. Good night.

Important

I am capable.

Tomorrow is sports day. I don't know exactly what I'll be doing, but I expect it to be fun. I'm meeting some friends at the big station and we're taking a train together to Somewhere, where we'll play basketball (which I hate) and do a giant jump rope contest with our whole homeroom. It should be a splendid day.

I feel particularly good today for several reasons. First thing this morning, Tanaka Sensei (one of my Japanese teachers) and I spent an hour talking. I understood almost everything and was able to reply in Japanese. He said there was significant improvement since our last meeting and that he was really impressed. I tried to be Japanese and shook my head and denied it. He told me that it was stupid to deny it because it's true. I really did get better. And I know I got betters so I stopped denying it and thanked him. Being "modest" (that's what they call denying compliments. Personally, I don't think saying "thank you" makes a person any less modest, just from a different culture) is harder than it sounds. I never know when to deny compliments and when to accept them. The nice thing is that the Japanese know this and expect it, so pretty much anything I say is okay. I hope.

I read an advertisement today for an ear, nose, and something else clinic. That was awesome. I wanted someone to ask me what it said so I could let them know I knew, but it was in the middle of the subway station and nobody really cared if I could read the ad.

I had a really nice walk home around 7:30-ish. The weather was just what it should have been - a little breezy a little warm. And dark.

Dinner was one of my favorites: soba and some weird chicken thing and rice and salad. Dessert was absolute great. Pears and something that reminded me a little bit of turkish delight, except not even half as sweet.

Today in kendo, I got to participate with everyone in the beginning, during the warm ups. Finally. I still haven't gotten any gear yet and I'm really in no rush. I have a lot to learn about how to swing the shinai before I actually do anything. They're so patient with me and I love learning so much. New concepts are fabulous. Exhilarating.

A Good Feeling

So of course, I did kendo again today. Today I actually did break a sweat and it felt good. Really good. If you don't know anything about martial arts, I advise you to skip this post, as you'll probably find it boring. I'm not really writing to entertain as much as I am to inform anyone who's curious about what's going on in my life, and right now, it's kendo.

Two days and I am already completely in love with the sport. There are so many similarities that sometimes I think it's just karate with a different name. Interestingly, I also think there is absolutely nothing the same about this sport. They taught me how to travel a little today; the front foot moves straight forward and then the back foot follows so that you end up directly in front of where you started. I started out okay, but ended up doing revised stepping front stances (which travel at angles instead of straight back and forth). There were many many times I felt comfortable doing something, only to learn I was doing it completely wrong. But then there were other times when even the things I was doing wrong were the same things I always do wrong. Keep your shoulders back, they told me. Relax them. Draw your power from your center. God. How many times have I been told to keep my shoulders back? A hundred? Every freaking day of my life for the past six years? Maybe. And now, half a world away, they're telling me the same thing. Sensei Hartzell will be pleased. And when I come back, gosh darnit, I will have a straight back.

Today was more difficult than yesterday. When I got home, I couldn't lift my chopsticks without shaking. It was the hardest meal I might have ever eaten. Scratch that. After my green belt test might have been the hardest meal I've ever eaten. But today rivals. I have blisters on my hands and feet. I am sore. And I feel great. I can't wait to go back tomorrow and asatte and ever day. I like that it's semi-easy to disguise that I'm the foriegner during kendo practice (until someone tries to talk to me =)) and I like how familiar the atmosphere feels. How my role as a student is completely the same as it was in the States and my Sensei here treats me very much like my Sensei at home does.

In other news, I'm coming down with some kind of throat thing. No good. I hope I'll sweat it out tomorrow or something. The worst is just a nasty, deep cough, and I hope that'll be gone by tomorrow morning. I don't want to get sick.

Kendo Again

So today, I actually tried a little bit of kendo. Not anything really fancy and I certainly didn't break a sweat, but they went over some uber basics with me.

I was wrong about karate not being an advantage. They told me how to move my hands and where to make contact and then left me to try it out. It felt great. My body already knows how to lock when I strike. It knows where to curl and where to straighten and how to direct energy and power through the weapon. It was incredibly familiar and felt awesome. I'm sure my technique is all wrong and the rules are different and I'm going to blister all over by the end of the week, but I still cherish the feel of making contact and striking and tensing and breathing and locking everything just the right way. Also, I understood a lot of the benefits of the stances and movements right away, though I've never seen them before and certainly never done them. It took me years to figure that out in karate. Of course, I'm missing a lot and I'm far far far from good, but it was comfortable.

I also can relate a little more to the kids I used to teach. How frustrating it is to be told to do something from a right front stance if you don't remember what a right front stance is. How annoying it is to be told to keep your left heel up if you don't know which side is your left and you don't know which part of your foot is the heel.

Oh yeah, and I'm going to be from learning katas like dancing dragon and bassai dai to learning katas like eagle bow. Sweet. I'm totally the lowest rank in the club. Sweet again. I love it. Everything I do is wrong. Actually, it's completely different from when I was the lowest rank at White Eagle. Now I know how to concentrate and learn (I actually have a method I use when learning new katas and new other things, which I found I still use in kendo) and really try. That's like, what I spent the first third of all those years learning.

I had the slightest doubt after watching that first class and seeing nothing familiar, but all doubt has vanished and I am completely excited to learn this new art. How could I have seen nothing familiar? The technique is all different, but the how and the why is pretty much the same. You still exhale when you make contact, you still lock everything just so, you still have to be uber precise. The body is the same. That's so cool.

My Intro to Kendo

Wow. Wow. I saw a kendo practice today. Wow. It's intense. And like nothing I've ever done before. I thought "Oh good, kendo. I know a bit of karate, kung fu, judo, and aikido. Surely that'll give me some background in kendo." Yeah, I was wrong. I didn't see a think that made me think, oh I can do this. Actually, I thought that after the practise was over, but not because I knew anything. How would I explain a front punch to someone who doesn't speak my language? It would be a challenge. This is going to be a challenge. I love challenges.

Guility, I have been showing my little host sis a few things, like an outside chest block and backfist. We rough house sometimes and I was getting tired of her swatting my hands away when a good block would do the trick much better, so I showed her a good block. She was excited to learn and it felt good to teach again.

Shopping is a universal thing

So I've just finished spending the remainder of this month's allowance. I really didn't plan on spending it all so fast, but when Okaasan mentioned that I have absolutely nothing I can wear in the Autumn (I thought any of my clothes would suffice), it kinda all went down the drain from there. But it went far! For being in a notoriously expensive place, I'm doing well. With close to $85, I bought ten letters worth of stamps, a really cute skirt, a dress marked down from $50, three pair of shoes (!!!), a long sleeved plainish shirt, a really cute jacket that would go for like $80 in the States (here too, only I got it at a second hand shop for like $4!), a pair of tights, a very Japanese style peachy shirt, a navy blue sweater, and a pair of really cute longish shorts. How's that for good. The bad thing is I can't show any of you guys :(. That's one of the best parts about shopping. But my Okaasan is properly happy for me. And yesterday when I got the cello (Woo!!!!), I said I was happy and she said she was too because she knew I was happy. Aww. I can't believe how sweet she is too me.

On another note, my shoes are all size LL and most of my clothes are size L. It's a nice change. I showed them a picture of me with all my friends and they were surprised that I wasn't the tallest one. Haha, I love it here.

A cello!!!

So today I'm getting a cello from a monk who is a professional cellist. Or maybe it's a professional cellist that plays for monks. Or maybe there are no monks involved and I have no idea what I'm talking about. I do like the cello, though I'm pretty terrible. Too bad. I think he wants me to play for it (it's his cello that he's lending me, as far as I understand). I hope it's not if you stink, no cello for you. It'll be good to have something familiar to do with all the time I have without resorting to my own language.

Languages are funny. I would like to study how they came to be. Who decided that verbs have to go at the end of the sentences? Who decided the Japanese need three different "alphabets" and a million different forms of every word?
I like learning Japanese a lot. It's fun and new and a little exciting. The best feeling is making myself understood with Japanese. It's especially cool when I can make complete sentences, instead of "Me tired now. Where sleep?". Hah, who would have ever thought it'd be me using caveman speech? I wouldn't have ever guessed it. Japan's doing funny things to me. It's messing up my spelling, for one. And it's making me think with an accent every so often. And words, which have always been my medium, are not mine any more. Sometimes they're there and sometimes they aren't (in either language), and I don't have that precision of words I so love. I can't meander or stroll or skip or anything. Just walk.

I sympathize with foriegners speaking (or not speaking) english in America. We're all just a bunch of two year-olds, aren't we?

Holiday!!

So, while my poor classmates have been spending weeks pouring over books and memorizing every fact presented to them, I have been running around Kyoto, tossing coins into bins and lighting inscence. It is now Test Week and they are all at this very moment racking their minds for answers to their monster Tests. I am goofing around on the internet, playing on my sister's piano, and decorating my trash with spit wads. I am obviously having a much more productive day then they are.

Because I'm not really in any real classes, my teacher told me I should just stay home this week and "study" on my own. So I've been "studying" what Japanese students do when they are home alone with boring trash and an empty piano. It's either that or read and I shouldn't start another book. Not unless it's in Japanese, which I unfortunately don't know. Studying Japanese all day long gets so tedious. In the States, I was such a model student. I did all my homework on time, studied rigorously for every test, hated missing school (well, that changed a little Senior Year), and read everything I could get my hands on. Now, I feel guilty reading in English, and studying gets boring and I have sooo much time. The change is pace is refreshing, but a little daunting.
In two weeks, I will start kendo. That will bring a little normalcy back; it's every day until seven. At home, I was just getting ready for adult class at seven. Or else teaching beginners' class. Now I'll be leaving school at seven. How wierd. Everything is wierd these days.

I'm so glad I'm here, but it seems that every single thing around me is different. I didn't even know that there could BE so many differences. I'm glad I'm not in Europe right now, like I thought I'd be. Or South America. Or West Virginia, for that matter.

I guess I ought to study. Or make more spit wads. Have a splendid day.

Buses and school uniforms

Okay, so it's my first night on the job. I'm fresh from the airport. Tired, but with enough adrenaline and excitement to keep me up for a week. I have been travelling for days (literally - gotta love those time zone transfers) and my clothes are sweaty and gross and, while I want to do is see the world, all I also want to do is sleep. I collapse on a chair and zone out while my host councelor babbles to his daughter. Finally he looks at me.
"Okay, take a bus," he says to me.
"Uhm, now?"
"Yes, now."
"A bus?"
"Yes, a bus."
"To where? By myself?"
"The house. Of course by yourself."
"A bus? To the house?"
"Yes, take a bus." I nearly burst into tears from fatigue. He wants me to take a bus! I'm so tired!
"Uhm, okay. I guess. A bus? To the house?"
"In the house."
"A bus in the house?! THat's awesome!"
"I'd better show you." And he takes me to the bath. A bath. The Japanese have a hard time pronouncing the "th" sound, I now know. Still, every time someone tells me to take a bus, I have to stop and think. Thankfully, I now know the word for "bath" in Japanese.

I got my winter uniform today. It includes a tie. Yeah, a tie. That's amazing. I don't even know how to tie a tie. My host mother was really surprised when I told her that. My uniform makes me look like Harry Potter. Seriously, except I'm like a girl.

I've been reading a lot since I got here. I have so much time and books are written in real english, with no confusion between busses and baths. I've read my first Robert Jordan book, "American Gods" and another book that I can't remember.

Dinner time. Dinner is huge, always. I can never eat as much as she cooks. I might marry Japanese food.

Really good and interesting questions I've been asked:

1.) Why do Americans have middle names?
2.) Why do American schools allow makeup, cell phones, and nail polish?
3.) Do teenagers really babysit little kids? By themselves? Do they need lisences?
4.) Why is West Virginia east? There can't be a West Virginia if there is no East Virginia and it's an eastern state.
5.) How do American mothers have jobs and take care of kids simultaniously?
6.) What is a Fraternity? Hahaha. I love answering that one.

That's all for now.

Week One of School: Complete

The most noteworthy thing about my life these days is how absolutely tired I get. It takes all of my mental energy and some to follow a conversation. And there are two different ways to listen to a conversation. There's the kind where you hear lots and lots of words and you wonder what in the world could possibly be being said and how anyone can possibly understand all that jibberish, and there's the kind where you listen really hard and try to pick out words you know and put a meaning to what you hear. I am guilty of favoring the first kind, as I am so tired that the idea of finding words I know is ridiculous. Who would think just listening to a conversation can wear a person out? And I have so much stamina. Not here I don't.

That's another thing. I feel like I've completely fooled the people here. They think I'm a really great student and really smart. They're super impressed that I knew hiragana and katakana before I came, but everyone does. In fact, at the airport, I knew the least amount of Japanese out of all four of us. They all know everything about me it seems. They totally talk about me to each other (the other day I realized they were discussing me right in front of me!) a lot, and if I tell one teacher something, it's silly of me to be surprised when a completely different teacher brings it up. Everyone knows how long I've been studying Japanese, what words I know and don't know, what I like to do in my spare time, how many siblings I have, whether or not my birds can talk, what time I like to poop, and my best friend's mother's sister-in-law's name. Okay, little exaggeration. But only a little. David, the english teacher from New York, told them he thinks I'm really smart and expects that I should have the langauge down in no time. How in the world did I impress him? No idea, but now all the teachers hold the same opinion. Great. I feel a little silly pretending I'm really that great, but hey, everyone likes. I can't complain.

And they ALWAYS watch me. Everyone. When I walk down the hall, everyone looks at me to see how I'm walking and whether or not I'm carrying my backpack on me and how my hair is up. Holy cow. Not a moment of rest! Teacher's greet me just to see what I will say back, there are always students smiling and waving and being super friendly, but it's just exhausting always saying "Ja" or whatever and smiling and waving back. Why is that so tiring? I don't know, but I definitely feel the pressure of being The Foreigner. It's better than if nobody liked me, but I'm so so so tired. It's a good thing the weekend is finally here, except I'm going out with Rotary tomorrow! It's going to be a long day.

I need a nap. Is it rude to take a nap in the middle of the day? Dunno.

Woooo! I did it!!

Guess what? Yeah, I made it all the way to school without having to retrace my steps or ask anyone for help! And I made it on time! Woo! You have no idea how proud I am of myself. I get lost every single time (except today) in this uber big station - Kyoto Station. And the signs are decieving. You can follow the signs just fine and you think you're doing great, and then, bam! They're gone and you're on your own. The only thing to do is turn around and try another fork and hope more reliable signs will magically appear any time. But I totally have it figured out now and can make it all the way there on time and by myself! Woooo!

In other news, it's been an entire month since my last karate class. That's 31 days. I think I might go insane. And my body is more desperate for karate now than it usually is. I use karate to sort all the crazy stuff out in my mind, and boy could I use that now.

Ohmygosh! Today I had my first calligraphy class. It was freaking amazing! The teacher gave me the name of my school ("Toba") to try and I totally bungled it up. But I'm not ashamed. It was my first try and I had absolutely no idea how to do it. He laughed and took it away. Instead, I pretty much spent the class practicing different kinds of strokes while everyone giggled at me. It was fun. At the end, we all bowed our heads and meditated for like a minute. Calligraphy is supposed to be a meditating activity! How amazing is that?!

Anyways, it's getting late (9:30 - if I was in America, I wouldn't have even gotten home from karate yet, much less started my homework, but here, I'm awefully tired really early) so I should go. It's great to be back online.

I]m here!!!

Hey all! I made it and finally have access to internet. I think I will regularly soon, but for now, I]m borrowing a computer from my teacher until the period is over. Today is my first *real* day of school, though you can see how real it is yourself. I]ve had an english class, a private class with a really nice teacher that wants to help me, another english class, gym, lunch, another private class, and now this, my study period. I do love being me. The Japanese people are incredibly nice and I am so super happy that I]m here. They all go way out of their way to help little old me, and even the students are really nice to me here. They all say *cute* whenever I pass and some of them asked me if they could touch my cheek or my hair. (??) Uhm, okay, I suppose. But they are nice. They like to speak english with me and enjoy hearing me pronounce things in Japanese. Oh yeah, I met some really great kids like myself from all over the world staying in Japan.

Anyways, I think the bell will ring soon (the bell is amazing, sounds like a catholic church almost) so I should go. Maybe I]ll be able to tell you more later. See you guys and wish me luck getting myself home!

Congrats to me

I've done pretty well for myself. All this time and I thought I screwed high school up, but really, I did just what I was supposed to. I made really great friends that I'll never forget. I didn't even realize that until I watched them all tonight in class and thought about what it would be like without me. It made me a little sad to think that life will go on very easily for them - and for me. But I don't think very many of us will ever be the same after this. These past six years has dented all of us - Scott and me and Tara and David and the Sensei's and the Hunts. I've learned so much from them, the least of it being martial arts. They taught me about loving myself and about how to be a friend and how to keep going when you really can't and even things like what to do when someone eight times your size is really mad at you. That lesson took a couple of learnings. It feels really great to know that I'll have what they gave me for a long time. Forever really. I think all this stuff they've equipped me with will follow me everywhere.

In other news, I just heard from my host club councelor (who has been absolutely amazing these past few months) in Japan that he will be picking me up and that his daughter will be "guiding" me the first couple of days. Then he will take me to Mt. Hiei in the outskirts of Kyoto and when I get back, I will stay with the Watada's, my host first host family. How cool is that? I feel incredibly lucky that so many people are going out of their way so that I'll have a really great year. I really haven't done anything for them, nothing to deserve all this anyways. I hope his daughter isn't TOO good at english, though considering how awesome his english is, I'm not getting my hopes up. I would like to learn Japanese as fast as possible. I will work really really hard to learn it, that's for sure.

So, I've seen the last of pretty much everyone. That's great because it means I'm pretty much on my way. That's not so great because I kind of like all those guys. I'll kind of miss them.

Yep, leaving the day after tomorrow. What do I have left to do? Uhm, what don't I have left to do is a better question. My room isn't packed yet! I keep packing but nothing is disappearing! It's like I'm running in place! How did I ever get so much stuff? Not quite sure. It seems that I've saved everything since I was five years old. Old McDonald's toys and birthday cards from ten years ago keep popping up. And what's the difference between "sentimental" and "junk"? And what in the world will I do with the "sentimental"? Keep them in boxes until I decide that they're really junk? Oh boy. What a mess.

My plane to Japan is huge. I'm talking enormous. It has two stories and ten seats in each row. I've never flown over the ocean before! Or in such a big plane! I love flying a lot, but I've never been in a plane for more than nine hours. Maybe I'll hate flying in three days (THREE!!!!!), but I can't imagine that happening. What will I do with myself for that long? Read of course and write probably and Mom says I should make sure I walk around so I don't get clots and die or something. I wish they had a dojo in the back of the plane and I could just work out for fifteen hours. That'd be awesome.

I hope I can bring deoderant on the plane.

Oh dear

Yeah, I'm really close. Really really close. I've gotten some big news since I last posted. My itinerary came in and they "officially" changed my departure date to the 16th instead of the 17th. And by the next day, the had "officially" changed it back to the 17th. So, I am now "officially" leaving in six official days.

Good good good! I want to go! I'm excited about going. Before, I couldn't even picture myself on the plane, but now, I can see myself all the way up to meeting my family (and my councelor and my president and my some other dude). That's good too, but it's a little scary. In my mind, it's completely akward. I don't know how to ask someone's age, but I have no idea how old my little sister is. I CAN say "I'm eighteen, and you?" THat'll have to suffice.

So the travel agency just sent us a bill for about $3,000, and I'm testing for my black belt which is another $100 and I just ruined three of the rims on our car, which is like, $1000 or something. Yeah, don't ask. The closer we get to departure date, the more selfish I feel. Not only am I leaving, but I'm taking my parent's money every step of the way. And then I'm going way out of state for college. Maybe that's a dumb move. I CAN'T go to college here. I know that for sure. But maybe Wooster or Shepherd or West Virginia Wesleyan aren't so bad. Maybe I'm doing something bad. I really want to go to Whitman College, but not so badly that I'm willing to give up climbing Mt. Fuji. But a few things. I'm going to get scholarships. I will. I will work really hard and get whatever money I can. I'm smart and going to be a black belt (cross your fingers on that one) and I'll have the Japan experience and I play the cello. I'm pretty well-rounded and have a lot of experience in a lot of things. I'll have a job when I get back too and that'll help. I didn't get one this summer because I'm only going to be in town for a short bit of time.

Okay, so how many books to bring? Seven? Five? I'm thinking four in my suitcase and one on my carry on. But if the pages are wet or something, they won't let me on. Haha, next they'll ban sweat. They'll force everyone to wear extra stregth men's deoderant before they let you on the plane and if you refuse, you'll be thrown in prison. Haha!

No time to lose

Oh man, I'm feeling the stress. I'm not super nervous, but I'm having first rate mood swings. Yeah, I hope I'm done with that before I go. I can just see it now: "Hello, we're your family." "AHH! You're stupid! I hate stupid people! I hate you! The plane ride was terrible and this airport is stupid!" I say stupid a lot when I'm angry. Hey, there are worse words than "stupid" to fall back on.

Okay, happy place. I'm not upset now, but I don't know how long that will last. The closer I get (13 days, for those of you not religiously keeping track), the wierder it seems. Yeah right, like I'm really going to live in a country where I don't know anyone and can't speak the language. I don't even think such a country exists! It's all a joke. Haha, don't worry, we have college all lined up for you after all. The funny thing (well, one of the funny things) is that if I was preparing myself for college right now instead of Japan, I'm sure I would have a lot of the same feelings. Wow! A whole other place away from my parents (still love ya, Mom) on the other side of the country! Cool! But now it's just like, whatever, college. Oh, you're going to college? Doesn't that sound like fun?

My passport and my visa still have yet to arrive, but more significantly in my mind, my itinerary is still out there, floating through stacks and stacks of mail. It might be 14 days. It might be 17 days. Oh no, I might die if I have to wait 17 whole days! (Hows that for drama?) The stupid mail never comes early enough. Later and later every day. Infuriating!

So 13 days (really 12 seeing as I'm writing this past midnight). How am I spending my last few days in the states? I'm swimming every night, hugging the kids every day, cramming a lot of karate in before my black belt test in just five days, trying to impart whatever wisdom I've picked up these past few years to Jeff, and of course, packing my room for the next kid and trying to decide which of my cherished books gets a free ride to Japan in my suitcase. On that note, I don't have time to be writing this!

Getting closer...

I'm going soon! Still no word from anyone, but I don't care. Not true, I totally care and I wish they would communicate with me, but that's okay. I'll be patient. I want to pack! Now! I hate staring at my empty luggage, just waiting to pack everything. Soon.

32 Days!!!

I can see departure day! It's so close! My host family is not emailing me or writing me letters. It is frustrating to be so excited and not to have them communicate with me. I check the mail every day first thing (well, my morning which means at about noon) and frustratingly throw the mail down and run down to my room to check my email as part of my morning routine. I'm going to be super dissapointed if Asuko sends Jennika a letter and nothing comes for me. Some sister I am, eh? But really, I just want to hear SOMETHING from them. Maybe I'll resend an email they sent to me a long time ago or something. Haha, I'm sure that would fuel my excitment. Not.

Martial arts test right before I go, so I can be good and sore on the way over. Actually, I have to wear my black belt for three days after I get it, so I hope I get it at least four days before I leave! If I leave on the seventeenth, the third day will be while I'm on the plane, but if I leave on the twentieth, I should be fine. Haha, I'm still hoping for the seventeenth. I wanna go!!!!

Konnichiwa

Okay, so I just got back from the Otterbien orientation. That was fun, though not really anything super special. The best part was that everyone I met was going on an exchange. It was so exciting to be in a room full of kids just about to go all over the world. The energy was everywhere, zooming around the air. Ice breakers weren't the normal things like "So, what grade are you in? What school do you plan to go to?" They were "What country you headed to? What's your host family like? How long until you go?" And then, we actually got excited for each other. Excitment is so contageous, it was crazy being there. We all were already teeming with eagerness, but now we're about to bust.

We had a talent show, where everyone had to do something. I think that was a good idea just because we all had so much energy it was good to let it out productively - well, or something akin to productively. "Standing Akwardly" and an "Interpretave Haiku" were just some of the last minute acts put together, but it was probably the most amazing talent show ever.

Okay, so I'm going to Japan in 38 days. I am not anyone remarkable unless you're my parents. Academically, I'm no one special. Always short of what I need to get that scholarship or get any sort of recognition. I'm not super social, but I can't pass as a geek either. Despite my AP classes, scholarships, amazing college (!!), and my upcoming black belt, I got no recognition on Senior Awards Day. I've never stood out to anyone as someone great. I'm good. Fine. Slightly above average. Sam told me quite seriously that I'm a second rate person. I almost feel like this is my chance or at the very least my recognition. This is MY exchange, MY year. How I do will determine what people think of ME. I will be living with a family and going to school, not anyone else (well, kinda not anyone else...), and I will be an ambassador for the United States. Little old me. Sweet. Bring on the world.

This must be the peak of my life. Is that a shallow thing to say? I have so much going for me right now, so much room to grow (and goof up), so much future staring at me. I'm overflowing with love for everyone - me, my wonderful family, this faraway place called Japan, my karate group, even sometimes my friends. Everything I do or see reminds me of next year. How funny, I'm going to Japan. I'm not the type that goes to Japan. I wonder if anyone really is "the type" or if we're all just regular people that somehow found this crazy opportunity. I guess I'll find out soon. 51 days and it still hasn't sunk in yet. I can't really imagine it as a real place. In my head, Japan is a mystical place where everyone speaks this fun language (and that's really all I think of the language, not as a real communication tool, but as something fun) and their eyes get all big like in the anime cartoons. And they all live in temples and pray to spirits. Haha, culture shock here we come! (I'm looking forward to culture shock even!)

I'm not going to college next year. Not really going to high school. I'm not going to have a job. I'm not going to be responsible for a class full of five year-olds. I'm going to Japan, where I'll not stress about school work, where I'll instantly be the center of attention, where I'll learn no matter what I do. Holy cow.

Countdown

Aah!!! 55 days! I am so incredibly excited! I don't know how I'm possibly going to be able to wait a whole 55 days. Haha, I remember having this conversation with myself when I was like nine waiting for Christmas. Yes, this almost tops Christmas. Woo!

I had a sudden host family change for a reason unknown to me, but I'm not worried about that. My new family looks marvelous and the little girl will try to be Jennika's penpal, though neither of them can speak each other's language. This should be a blast!