panicked yet?

Well, I finally had my first wave of nerves. What?! I'm not going to be able to do anything! There's no way I'll have the language down and I'm going to be floundering along in a nation where the wierd are hammered down. I'm a liberal for goodness sakes. A hippie. An artist. Not really. What am I? I don't know. I'm a wierd mix of conservative and liberal and not really very hippy. Definitely an artist. Definitely into finding my "own thing" and becoming my own thing. This is going to be one heck of an adventure and I am sooo ready! Except I'm not ready at all! I don't even know if my host parent is a guy or a girl! Or what my family will be like. Or anything. I won't know anything. I will know stuff, I just don't yet. How can I be so ready and so nervous at the same time? I'm not an adventurer. I'm not into taking risks and doing things for myself. Well? Why the heck am I doing this then? Because I AM an adventurer! Aren't we all? I remember one day I came home from school really excited about Lewis and Clark and the other explorers I was learning about and I told Dad that I wanted to be an explorer when I grow up so I could sail in huge boats and find new land and discover it and make friends with the natives. I was so excited that I had found the perfect career. But Rob told me no, that couldn't happen. It was already done; there would be no market for explorers in my time. So I had only two options left to me. Travel the world or go to the moon. I picked travel the world (well, I REALLY picked see the moon, but I'm not bold enough to put my future on the line just for a chance at space. Space!). Actually, I picked travel the backyard and go on adventures with Jeff, but it escalated and holy cow! I'm going on an adventure! I am so pleased that this is how I'm going to start my life - with an epic journey across the world and back, and then to the quaint little Whitman College that promises to be everything I want in a college. Woohoo.

Woah! Japan?!?!j

What is wrong, they say. What are you afraid of? Aren't you freaking out? No! I'm not. I'm thrilled with this opportunity and I can't find it in me to be afraid. What have I to fear anyways? The language barrier, of course. I won't be able to communicate with anyone at school or home or anything. Nobody will like me because I'll say all the wrong things and dress the wrong way. But trying has never failed me before. I'll practice the language and deal with being strange. Of all the countries to be different in, Japan is actually probably the best, despite what stereotypes might say. The Japanese people act almost awed by their gaijin (foreigners) and either humor them, or ignore them. At least, so far as I can tell. Maybe everyone will hate me and I won't make any friends all year long and I'll even come home early because I will be so homesick and lonely. But maybe not. Probably not.

The only thing I can really think to be afraid of is myself. I am going to change so much, become someone so different that maybe I won't even recognize myself. Internal struggles are always the worst kind as a rule, and I'm going to undergo something that's going to have a radical impact on me, I'm sure. And how can I help but be excited about that??!! I'm going to change! To get better! I like myself - love myself even, but how exciting to know that I'm going to understand so much more (and thus so much less, my dad would remind me) in a year from now. I'm not worried that my family or friends won't like me when I get back as much as I'm worried that I might not like me. But holy cow! This is it! This is the last time I'll be this Heather forever. I'll come home someone different. I'm excited and eager, but nervous and afraid at the same time.