Oh goodness!

I'm going home in less than a week!!! I woke up this morning completely panicked. I jumped out of bed, thought (in Japanese) that I will be home in less than a week, than ran to my dresser and pulled out my clothes. And then I sat down, calmed down, and properly woke up. Waking up like that reminds me distinctly of missing the bus and knowing it before I'm even awake. It'll be so great to be home, I'm sure of it. I don't regret going home in the least. But. I'm completely dreading leaving here, all the way through to the core of me. I'm leaving a culture! A whole way of life! Not one that I particularly want to be a part of, nor one that I favor over my own home culture. But it's a culture that has inevitably become a part of me, and to know that I won't have it any more leaves me panicked. When I left America, I had no idea that I was leaving a way of life, and even if I had I wouldn't have known that it's one that I love. In any case, I knew I would be coming home after a year (that's now).

Yeah, so I'm leaving Japan. I've spent this whole year here, I've invested a whole year of everything I've got into this place, I've sort of become this place, and now I'm leaving. It sort of feels like breaking up with a guy. You know you gotta do it but it hurts all the same. I cry! I didn't cry last year when I left home. I didn't cry this year when I was all alone and couldn't talk to anyone. I feel heavy and sad and a little happy and excited at the same time. And satisfied. I had a great year. I learned so much. I made so many friends - more than friends, family. I've made families! People that really love me and that I really love back. People that have shared a really incredible year with me, that understand at least a little of what I've been through, people that promise letters and visits and phone calls and are sending me off with more presents than I came with, which is saying something.

Oh goodness. Oh goodness oh goodness.