Congrats to me

I've done pretty well for myself. All this time and I thought I screwed high school up, but really, I did just what I was supposed to. I made really great friends that I'll never forget. I didn't even realize that until I watched them all tonight in class and thought about what it would be like without me. It made me a little sad to think that life will go on very easily for them - and for me. But I don't think very many of us will ever be the same after this. These past six years has dented all of us - Scott and me and Tara and David and the Sensei's and the Hunts. I've learned so much from them, the least of it being martial arts. They taught me about loving myself and about how to be a friend and how to keep going when you really can't and even things like what to do when someone eight times your size is really mad at you. That lesson took a couple of learnings. It feels really great to know that I'll have what they gave me for a long time. Forever really. I think all this stuff they've equipped me with will follow me everywhere.

In other news, I just heard from my host club councelor (who has been absolutely amazing these past few months) in Japan that he will be picking me up and that his daughter will be "guiding" me the first couple of days. Then he will take me to Mt. Hiei in the outskirts of Kyoto and when I get back, I will stay with the Watada's, my host first host family. How cool is that? I feel incredibly lucky that so many people are going out of their way so that I'll have a really great year. I really haven't done anything for them, nothing to deserve all this anyways. I hope his daughter isn't TOO good at english, though considering how awesome his english is, I'm not getting my hopes up. I would like to learn Japanese as fast as possible. I will work really really hard to learn it, that's for sure.

So, I've seen the last of pretty much everyone. That's great because it means I'm pretty much on my way. That's not so great because I kind of like all those guys. I'll kind of miss them.

Yep, leaving the day after tomorrow. What do I have left to do? Uhm, what don't I have left to do is a better question. My room isn't packed yet! I keep packing but nothing is disappearing! It's like I'm running in place! How did I ever get so much stuff? Not quite sure. It seems that I've saved everything since I was five years old. Old McDonald's toys and birthday cards from ten years ago keep popping up. And what's the difference between "sentimental" and "junk"? And what in the world will I do with the "sentimental"? Keep them in boxes until I decide that they're really junk? Oh boy. What a mess.

My plane to Japan is huge. I'm talking enormous. It has two stories and ten seats in each row. I've never flown over the ocean before! Or in such a big plane! I love flying a lot, but I've never been in a plane for more than nine hours. Maybe I'll hate flying in three days (THREE!!!!!), but I can't imagine that happening. What will I do with myself for that long? Read of course and write probably and Mom says I should make sure I walk around so I don't get clots and die or something. I wish they had a dojo in the back of the plane and I could just work out for fifteen hours. That'd be awesome.

I hope I can bring deoderant on the plane.

Oh dear

Yeah, I'm really close. Really really close. I've gotten some big news since I last posted. My itinerary came in and they "officially" changed my departure date to the 16th instead of the 17th. And by the next day, the had "officially" changed it back to the 17th. So, I am now "officially" leaving in six official days.

Good good good! I want to go! I'm excited about going. Before, I couldn't even picture myself on the plane, but now, I can see myself all the way up to meeting my family (and my councelor and my president and my some other dude). That's good too, but it's a little scary. In my mind, it's completely akward. I don't know how to ask someone's age, but I have no idea how old my little sister is. I CAN say "I'm eighteen, and you?" THat'll have to suffice.

So the travel agency just sent us a bill for about $3,000, and I'm testing for my black belt which is another $100 and I just ruined three of the rims on our car, which is like, $1000 or something. Yeah, don't ask. The closer we get to departure date, the more selfish I feel. Not only am I leaving, but I'm taking my parent's money every step of the way. And then I'm going way out of state for college. Maybe that's a dumb move. I CAN'T go to college here. I know that for sure. But maybe Wooster or Shepherd or West Virginia Wesleyan aren't so bad. Maybe I'm doing something bad. I really want to go to Whitman College, but not so badly that I'm willing to give up climbing Mt. Fuji. But a few things. I'm going to get scholarships. I will. I will work really hard and get whatever money I can. I'm smart and going to be a black belt (cross your fingers on that one) and I'll have the Japan experience and I play the cello. I'm pretty well-rounded and have a lot of experience in a lot of things. I'll have a job when I get back too and that'll help. I didn't get one this summer because I'm only going to be in town for a short bit of time.

Okay, so how many books to bring? Seven? Five? I'm thinking four in my suitcase and one on my carry on. But if the pages are wet or something, they won't let me on. Haha, next they'll ban sweat. They'll force everyone to wear extra stregth men's deoderant before they let you on the plane and if you refuse, you'll be thrown in prison. Haha!

No time to lose

Oh man, I'm feeling the stress. I'm not super nervous, but I'm having first rate mood swings. Yeah, I hope I'm done with that before I go. I can just see it now: "Hello, we're your family." "AHH! You're stupid! I hate stupid people! I hate you! The plane ride was terrible and this airport is stupid!" I say stupid a lot when I'm angry. Hey, there are worse words than "stupid" to fall back on.

Okay, happy place. I'm not upset now, but I don't know how long that will last. The closer I get (13 days, for those of you not religiously keeping track), the wierder it seems. Yeah right, like I'm really going to live in a country where I don't know anyone and can't speak the language. I don't even think such a country exists! It's all a joke. Haha, don't worry, we have college all lined up for you after all. The funny thing (well, one of the funny things) is that if I was preparing myself for college right now instead of Japan, I'm sure I would have a lot of the same feelings. Wow! A whole other place away from my parents (still love ya, Mom) on the other side of the country! Cool! But now it's just like, whatever, college. Oh, you're going to college? Doesn't that sound like fun?

My passport and my visa still have yet to arrive, but more significantly in my mind, my itinerary is still out there, floating through stacks and stacks of mail. It might be 14 days. It might be 17 days. Oh no, I might die if I have to wait 17 whole days! (Hows that for drama?) The stupid mail never comes early enough. Later and later every day. Infuriating!

So 13 days (really 12 seeing as I'm writing this past midnight). How am I spending my last few days in the states? I'm swimming every night, hugging the kids every day, cramming a lot of karate in before my black belt test in just five days, trying to impart whatever wisdom I've picked up these past few years to Jeff, and of course, packing my room for the next kid and trying to decide which of my cherished books gets a free ride to Japan in my suitcase. On that note, I don't have time to be writing this!

Getting closer...

I'm going soon! Still no word from anyone, but I don't care. Not true, I totally care and I wish they would communicate with me, but that's okay. I'll be patient. I want to pack! Now! I hate staring at my empty luggage, just waiting to pack everything. Soon.

32 Days!!!

I can see departure day! It's so close! My host family is not emailing me or writing me letters. It is frustrating to be so excited and not to have them communicate with me. I check the mail every day first thing (well, my morning which means at about noon) and frustratingly throw the mail down and run down to my room to check my email as part of my morning routine. I'm going to be super dissapointed if Asuko sends Jennika a letter and nothing comes for me. Some sister I am, eh? But really, I just want to hear SOMETHING from them. Maybe I'll resend an email they sent to me a long time ago or something. Haha, I'm sure that would fuel my excitment. Not.

Martial arts test right before I go, so I can be good and sore on the way over. Actually, I have to wear my black belt for three days after I get it, so I hope I get it at least four days before I leave! If I leave on the seventeenth, the third day will be while I'm on the plane, but if I leave on the twentieth, I should be fine. Haha, I'm still hoping for the seventeenth. I wanna go!!!!

Konnichiwa

Okay, so I just got back from the Otterbien orientation. That was fun, though not really anything super special. The best part was that everyone I met was going on an exchange. It was so exciting to be in a room full of kids just about to go all over the world. The energy was everywhere, zooming around the air. Ice breakers weren't the normal things like "So, what grade are you in? What school do you plan to go to?" They were "What country you headed to? What's your host family like? How long until you go?" And then, we actually got excited for each other. Excitment is so contageous, it was crazy being there. We all were already teeming with eagerness, but now we're about to bust.

We had a talent show, where everyone had to do something. I think that was a good idea just because we all had so much energy it was good to let it out productively - well, or something akin to productively. "Standing Akwardly" and an "Interpretave Haiku" were just some of the last minute acts put together, but it was probably the most amazing talent show ever.

Okay, so I'm going to Japan in 38 days. I am not anyone remarkable unless you're my parents. Academically, I'm no one special. Always short of what I need to get that scholarship or get any sort of recognition. I'm not super social, but I can't pass as a geek either. Despite my AP classes, scholarships, amazing college (!!), and my upcoming black belt, I got no recognition on Senior Awards Day. I've never stood out to anyone as someone great. I'm good. Fine. Slightly above average. Sam told me quite seriously that I'm a second rate person. I almost feel like this is my chance or at the very least my recognition. This is MY exchange, MY year. How I do will determine what people think of ME. I will be living with a family and going to school, not anyone else (well, kinda not anyone else...), and I will be an ambassador for the United States. Little old me. Sweet. Bring on the world.

This must be the peak of my life. Is that a shallow thing to say? I have so much going for me right now, so much room to grow (and goof up), so much future staring at me. I'm overflowing with love for everyone - me, my wonderful family, this faraway place called Japan, my karate group, even sometimes my friends. Everything I do or see reminds me of next year. How funny, I'm going to Japan. I'm not the type that goes to Japan. I wonder if anyone really is "the type" or if we're all just regular people that somehow found this crazy opportunity. I guess I'll find out soon. 51 days and it still hasn't sunk in yet. I can't really imagine it as a real place. In my head, Japan is a mystical place where everyone speaks this fun language (and that's really all I think of the language, not as a real communication tool, but as something fun) and their eyes get all big like in the anime cartoons. And they all live in temples and pray to spirits. Haha, culture shock here we come! (I'm looking forward to culture shock even!)

I'm not going to college next year. Not really going to high school. I'm not going to have a job. I'm not going to be responsible for a class full of five year-olds. I'm going to Japan, where I'll not stress about school work, where I'll instantly be the center of attention, where I'll learn no matter what I do. Holy cow.

Countdown

Aah!!! 55 days! I am so incredibly excited! I don't know how I'm possibly going to be able to wait a whole 55 days. Haha, I remember having this conversation with myself when I was like nine waiting for Christmas. Yes, this almost tops Christmas. Woo!

I had a sudden host family change for a reason unknown to me, but I'm not worried about that. My new family looks marvelous and the little girl will try to be Jennika's penpal, though neither of them can speak each other's language. This should be a blast!

My Confession

Okay, time for a healthy dose of good ol' honesty. I'm running. It's a secret, even from myself sometimes, but it's true. I'm so sick of everything, of my family and of the people I've been around these past four years and of everything. Everything I read said running is a terrible idea and not an acceptable reason to go on an exchange, but here I am, leaving because I can't stand it here anymore. I love everyone still and I know going to Japan is a little extreme, but I'm so happy. I love learning about this place, love imagining myself actually there, really living normally. The language is exciting and refreshing and there's so much knowledge to aquire in such a small amount of time. It's like Heather Haven.

Erm, now what?

So I have my family. And they wrote me and everything is just fine. But what in the world do I write them back? I've already introduced myself and my family. Blah blah blah, 17 years old, do martial arts, have a large family, play the cello, blah blah blah. I'm afraid that anything I'm going to write will be breaking some kind of social norm I'm unaware of. Hah, haven't I been taught better than that? Throw yourself into something with all you've got. Go all the way. Don't timidly write a half letter out of fear of doing something wrong. Do everything I can, follow the rules I know, and let them correct me. No problem. So now what? I think I'll ask them questions and tell a little more about myself. I think they were a little overwhelmed though with my last letter. I asked a lot of questions that Hasegawa-san didn't address, so I wonder how much he didn't understand. Probably his daughters have been taking English for years and understood my letter fine though. I'm so anxious! I just want to go!

Oh yeah, and I'm a chopstick failure. So that's why exchange students loose weight - they don't know how to eat! Here we go, eh?

Guess what guess what?? I have a family! I will be living with Akira Hasegawa, who is my host dad, my host mom, a sixteen year-old host sister, a nineteen year-old host sister, and a host grandmother. Woohoo! They look jolly and cute and I'm excited. The Otterbein orientation is coming up soon, where I'm sure I'll be told the same things I've been told at the last three orientations. I hear this one is supposed to be fun though, so I'll hold out for it. Besides, I will be meeting my country contact and all the outbounds from my district going to Japan. Woopdeedoo. I hope the inbounds will be there too, but I think they might have left for home by then. We'll see.

panicked yet?

Well, I finally had my first wave of nerves. What?! I'm not going to be able to do anything! There's no way I'll have the language down and I'm going to be floundering along in a nation where the wierd are hammered down. I'm a liberal for goodness sakes. A hippie. An artist. Not really. What am I? I don't know. I'm a wierd mix of conservative and liberal and not really very hippy. Definitely an artist. Definitely into finding my "own thing" and becoming my own thing. This is going to be one heck of an adventure and I am sooo ready! Except I'm not ready at all! I don't even know if my host parent is a guy or a girl! Or what my family will be like. Or anything. I won't know anything. I will know stuff, I just don't yet. How can I be so ready and so nervous at the same time? I'm not an adventurer. I'm not into taking risks and doing things for myself. Well? Why the heck am I doing this then? Because I AM an adventurer! Aren't we all? I remember one day I came home from school really excited about Lewis and Clark and the other explorers I was learning about and I told Dad that I wanted to be an explorer when I grow up so I could sail in huge boats and find new land and discover it and make friends with the natives. I was so excited that I had found the perfect career. But Rob told me no, that couldn't happen. It was already done; there would be no market for explorers in my time. So I had only two options left to me. Travel the world or go to the moon. I picked travel the world (well, I REALLY picked see the moon, but I'm not bold enough to put my future on the line just for a chance at space. Space!). Actually, I picked travel the backyard and go on adventures with Jeff, but it escalated and holy cow! I'm going on an adventure! I am so pleased that this is how I'm going to start my life - with an epic journey across the world and back, and then to the quaint little Whitman College that promises to be everything I want in a college. Woohoo.

Woah! Japan?!?!j

What is wrong, they say. What are you afraid of? Aren't you freaking out? No! I'm not. I'm thrilled with this opportunity and I can't find it in me to be afraid. What have I to fear anyways? The language barrier, of course. I won't be able to communicate with anyone at school or home or anything. Nobody will like me because I'll say all the wrong things and dress the wrong way. But trying has never failed me before. I'll practice the language and deal with being strange. Of all the countries to be different in, Japan is actually probably the best, despite what stereotypes might say. The Japanese people act almost awed by their gaijin (foreigners) and either humor them, or ignore them. At least, so far as I can tell. Maybe everyone will hate me and I won't make any friends all year long and I'll even come home early because I will be so homesick and lonely. But maybe not. Probably not.

The only thing I can really think to be afraid of is myself. I am going to change so much, become someone so different that maybe I won't even recognize myself. Internal struggles are always the worst kind as a rule, and I'm going to undergo something that's going to have a radical impact on me, I'm sure. And how can I help but be excited about that??!! I'm going to change! To get better! I like myself - love myself even, but how exciting to know that I'm going to understand so much more (and thus so much less, my dad would remind me) in a year from now. I'm not worried that my family or friends won't like me when I get back as much as I'm worried that I might not like me. But holy cow! This is it! This is the last time I'll be this Heather forever. I'll come home someone different. I'm excited and eager, but nervous and afraid at the same time.